Tag: #depression

Month 10 Week 1 – Walk It Off

“All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking” – Friedrich Nietzsche

This month I was having a hard time deciding what I wanted to do for a challenge. While usually something pops in my head this month I had nothing. What actually happened was I was at work and the day went from 0 to 100 and I needed to breathe. I hopped up from my chair, threw on my walking shoes and headed outside. I had previously tried to walk though issues by hopping on the treadmill but this time I needed to get out of my house I was so heated.

As usual I threw on some AirPods and started moving. Before I knew what happened the stress was starting to go away. I was at ease and thought how great this felt and how I needed to do this more often. In the midst of my excitement guess what? My phone rang. It was my job. I was immediately mad again and thought I had to figure something out. I needed to make this a challenge and figure out how to pull it off. I was going to have a heart attack at this rate.

I decided that I would walk at least 10,000 steps a day. I normally say something like I will walk a mile, or I will walk a 5K and while that has great results I can pull that off in one block of time. I knew if I was going to do 10,000 steps it was going to take some work. Now let me fill you in on something. This challenge for the first time was not about the 10,000 steps. This was about me knowing I would have to get my butt up several times per day and walk. It was about taking myself out of stressful situations and just moving. I was right.

First day I had to do two walks and got 8569 steps. Second day I walked three times and got 9042 steps. I told myself that I would just focus on walking more than the day before if I didn’t reach the 10K. I also made a promise that if I got 10K I would not decide 11K was the new goal. I’m crazy like that. Day 3 – 9823. Day 4 -11251. Day 5 – 7704.

What I liked about this challenge was that I felt good. It was hard, but I felt good afterwards. I started going to the park to walk for different scenery. Instead of being upset I had to take my son to school so early I decided since I was up I might as well walk and get it out of the way. After dinner I would think “its still light outside” and go for a walk. Walking didn’t require me to stress about anything except good socks and shoes. I love my Asics, yes this is a plug.

I want to tell you I’m not some walking pro. My whole body hurts which is still annoying me. I came home one day and whined to my husband how hard walking was. My feet were hurting so bad I didn’t think I could keep walking. He told me to just change my route. That morning I had decided to try some hills that I apparently was not ready for. I’m glad he gave me that piece of advice because I kept walking. I just took a flat path.

So this month I challenge you to walk. Yep just walk. Can you get 10,000 steps a day? Can you get more steps than you did the day before? I think you can. Throw on some shoes and enjoy this fall weather. I’m enjoying this so much I can see myself walking through the winter. Truth is I just can’t do the heat. I am miserable in the summer. Oh and I lost a pound. All that walking had me so tired I kept going to bed early. If I’m sleep I can’t eat. If you haven’t figured it out I will take my wins anyway I can get them.

Here are my last few days of walking. Today is Oct 2 and I have four more walkable hours so I’m killing it. I left a good chunk of info so you can see I really wasn’t moving at all. Yea not even trying. September 20th and 23rd I don’t know what was going on but I didn’t move at all. I wish I could tell you I was sick, but that would be a lie. Clearly a challenge I needed. Show me your numbers?

Nine Month Recap- Moving On

“I know my rear view can’t compare to what God will do with my life” Jonathan McReynolds

First let me say I can’t believe I have been on this journey this long and constantly blogging. As I finished my nine month on this journey I wanted to do some reflecting. Not to see if this was working, but to see if this was a journey I wanted to stay on. This is what I’ve learned.

  1. Posting a blog weekly is serious. There were so many weeks when I didn’t want to blog because honestly I failed. In the times that I failed I realized that I let life get in the way and prevent me from the plan I had created. It is so easy to come up with excuses but I should have come up with solutions.
  2. Blogging makes it easy to beat yourself up, or celebrate your success. You have to find a balance which often times can be hard. While I’m very good at finding the positive in other peoples situation I’m not so great at doing that for myself.
  3. Being true to yourself and who you are is the real win. I often had to call BS on so many things I was doing. I had to make real acknowledgments that I was full of it and simply trying to make a post look good. You don’t know how many times I would reread a post and delete it because it was so full of garbage. What you see on these pages is real. It’s the real struggle and sometimes the success, but it’s all real. Putting your life on a format for all to see has been eye opening. Irony is there were days I hoped no one would read it LOL.

Over the nine months I have done the following: Logged food, ate at the table, I was still, I moved, drank water, ate less fast food, created daily positive habits, practiced self care, and created a to don’t list. All of these things thus far have been fantastic. My issue was getting caught up in the next month that I forgot about the month before. That was one of the main reasons for this months reflection instead of going right into the next challenge.

As of today I weigh 270. I can say the 20 pounds lost still feels better than my starting weight. I can also say I feel like I’ve failed because following my challenge I should be 36 pounds lighter. A reasonable person would not beat themselves up over 16 pounds but if you’ve read anything I’ve written I’m a perfectionist. Basically I’m a hot mess.

I challenge anyone following this blog to do a week of reflection. What do you need to fix? What should you keep? What advice could you give to those struggling? If you are struggling how can you be helped?

I never thought this would be easy, but I swear I never thought it would be this hard. The plan moving forward is after pausing for a week I can now reset and figure out what really matters to me. Will I continue this journey, I don’t know. What I will do is decide to honestly assess what I want to do and stop lying to myself. The weight will not come off if I’m not going to work. I have to decide if I’m going to work.

Gardening #14 Playing In Dirt

“Play in dirt because life is too short to always have clean fingernails” – Unknown

My job has been a little stressful. Hell my life has been a little stressful. This year I decided to not do fall crops and begin prepping the garden for the winter. I have too much going on. This weeks tasks was to simply begin to take out all the old plants and start to prep the soil for winter.

After I got on my gardening gloves and grabbed my fancy garden tools I headed to the garden. When I started on my journey outside I had fifty thousand thoughts in my head regarding how my week has been going and what I needed to do. Even though I was listening to music to try to drown out my thoughts it wasn’t working and I will still running though check lists.

When I got in the garden and began tearing out plants and sifting dirt something odd happened. My mind went blank. I got in this rhythm. Take out the plant, sift the dirt, compost or don’t compost, make a trip to the trash can. It was such an easy flow to get into and I realized then how much I missed it. While dealing with all my stuff I didn’t go into the garden. When you make the decision to let the plants die there is no reason to go out there. No watering, no fertilizing or picking. I just watched the plants die from my office window.

What I was now doing was playing in dirt and letting all my issues fade. My husband jokes and asks me each time I come in the house if I’m done playing in dirt. I usually say yes and keep moving. Today something hit me. I am never upset when I’m in the garden. Even when things don’t go the way I want them to I’m never upset. If I need a break from reality I go to the garden. Being stressed and not gardening was a horrible plan.

I also thought about small children. Have you ever seen small children upset while playing in dirt? It’s impossible. Kids literally get to do something we always tell them not to do, get dirty. I think as adults we place too many negative images on playing in dirt. We think about pulling out weeds, cutting the grass, or trimming bushes. Chores instead of fun. I’ve decided I’m going to play in dirt a little more often and simply let it be what it is, fun.

If I’m pulling weeds, let’s get dirty and pull them. All yard work going forward as well as gardening just needs to be thought of as fun time with dirt. I always get amazed at what pops in my head when I simply just pause and stop making things more complicated than they are.

Month 9 Week 3

“Mistakes are proof you are trying” -Unknown

After a long pause my husband has started working out again. I see him struggle the same way I struggle. You can have all the tools available in your arsenal and still struggle.

I continue to push myself daily and I’m beginning to see my husband do the same. I’ve often heard women say it’s easy for men to lose weight and men don’t even have to try. If that were the case there would be no fat men. Let’s be honest they are struggling just like we are.

My husband has to resist the same cake that I resist. The double chocolate cake I baked for my sons birthday. It sits on the table calling both our names. He has to resist the ice cream in the freezer. He has to drink water and drag himself to the gym.

I often forget that he struggles just like me. When I fill the house with snacks he’s tempted just like me. Time and time again I would get angry when I emptied the house of snacks and he would find his way to the store. I realize he’s probably just as mad at me when I fill the house with cookies and cakes. We both say it’s for the kids when we know that a lie.

The irony is when I decide I’m not eating snacks I won’t eat them. I don’t pause and realize that someone’s going to eat them. They don’t magically disappear.

I need to do better.

This week on my “To Don’t List” I’m writing don’t buy sugary snacks. This small change will help us all. I have to reduce, not eliminate. If I eliminate the snacks next week I will just buy double, I know myself.

This weeks goal is to help someone else. Whether that’s my husband or my kids I’m going to try to be just a little better. Make a healthier meal, have more fruits and veggies, and of course less snacks.

We may not both decide at the same time we need to be healthy, but I can do my best to support him even when I’m struggling. Together we should be able to get a couple of steps further along in our journey. If not we will just drag the weaker one.

I guess you could say that’s a major part of marriage. Helping your spouse when you’re not very steady yourself. Maybe it’s just a part of my marriage.

Month 9 Week 2

“I’m not beautiful like you, I’m beautiful like ME” – Unknown

Today I got to celebrate another birthday with my son. He turned 13. I still can’t believe I have a 13 year old but I’m even more shocked that I have a 20 year old. As I was looking back at pictures of my son I just kept saying how cute and tiny he was. I think that’s what every parent says about their kids. I then looked back at baby pictures of myself and thought the exact same thing. I wasn’t a tiny child, but I was cute with my little pigtails and ribbons. I couldn’t help but smiling.

This made me think. When did we stop liking ourselves? What happened to us that made us question if we were cute or small or funny? Did someone tell us that or did we just tell ourselves? For many people I know they can remember the exact moment when that happened. This post isn’t about that moment. This post is about the moment you change that language.

In our mission to write our “To Don’t List” I also want you to begin to write something you like about yourself. I know it sounds crazy, but I also know some people may struggle. I’m going to leave this comment right here. If you don’t like you how can you expect anyone else to like you. You have to know your own worth and learn to value yourself. Stop waiting on someone else to validate you. It’s time you learn to love yourself.

Today I decided I loved my hair. I didn’t always love it. I always wanted hair like someone else. I can’t say that I wanted straight hair or curly hair. As I kid I just wanted hair like other people. What’s funny is my hair was in the middle of my back and I hacked it off around 7th grade. People would have killed to have hair as long as mine and I was chopping mine off. Let’s say I didn’t appreciate myself in 7th grade. I’m sure you all can relate.

I want you to notice the grey which I love. I’ve earned every strand of that grey and even when I dye my hair the grey doesn’t really go away. I’ve had grey hair since I was eight. Both my kids also have that trait. Notice how some parts are curly and others are straight. It simply does what it wants and honestly I’ve learned to be ok with that. It can be long or short. Depends on the day and what it plans on doing.

My hair does what it does depending on the day. I can’t tame it and I’ve stopped trying. I’ve just learned to love it as it is. Imagine how amazing I will be when I learn to love myself the way I love my hair. Hopefully this exercise gets me one step closer.

So add to the “To Don’t List” don’t be hard on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t do yourself any harm. Hopefully when you are done you smile just a little.

Month 9 Week 1

“Deciding what not to do is as important as deciding what to do” – Steve Jobs

I am the queen of making a “To do List”. Each night I make a list of the things I plan to do the next day. Yesterday I wrote I needed to get my blog done today. I seriously think you always need a plan if you plan to get anything done. My list are a little more lax on the weekends but come Sunday night you will catch me with my planner and fancy pen getting ready for Monday.

I am also a big fan of time blocking. I decide what my “One Thing” will be and make sure I get that accomplished first thing in the morning. If you have not checked out that book you need to. It really transformed how I think about things on a day to day basis.

Plug for “The One Thing” by Gary Keller.

Ironically this post is not about a to do list. It’s about a to don’t list. I didn’t even plan for this to be my thing for the month but as usual God had another plan. Last week I took my son on The Donut Trail. The Donut Trail consist of twelve local donut shops in our area. You start off by getting a passport from either a donut shop or online. At each stop you collect a stamp and when you have all the stamps you get a free t-shirt. For the past three years my son and I have done the trail in one day. Yes we drive to twelve donut shops and each get a donut and a stamp. When we are done we pick up our free t-shirt then head to breakfast. If you are thinking this is insane it is. What makes it crazier is we have to start at 6am-7am because many of the donuts shops run out of donuts and close. If you miss one stamp you get no t-shirt. That would defeat the purpose of the adventure so we set our alarms and get moving.

To be clear you don’t have to do the trail in one day. Its just so much fun and such a bonding thing its become tradition. We look forward to our free shirt and we always wear them for the first day of school. We almost missed this year due to Covid but we were so glad all the shops were able to reopen. Not only do we get to support local businesses but just spending time with my kids is priceless.

As you can imagine coming home with twelve donuts a piece is crazy. What stresses me more is that all the donuts are delicious. I am not going to post pictures of the donuts but I really wanted to. My favorite is The Buckeye. This is a cake donut with peanut butter cream in the center drizzled with chocolate. It’s as good as it sounds. My sons favorite is a glaze donut that is topped lucky charms. If that was the extent of the great donuts we wouldn’t be fat. No there was a cheesecake donut this year, apple fritters the size of bears claws, something called a sugar square which is exactly what it sounds like, and a chocolate/vanilla twist. Every year I think I have seen it all and these artisans surprise me. Donut making is an art and I give these bakeries all the credit for getting up at 1am to make donuts. FYI- two of the shops open at 3am.

I’m sorry. I have you all wanting donuts. Snap out of it.

Anywho because of this donut wonderland the first day I ate three donuts. The second day I ate three more. I realized at this rate I would eat a dozen donuts in four days and that just sounded fat. Not as fat at eating a dozen Krispie Kreme because you see the “Hot and Ready” sign but just as fat. By the way I don’t eat Krispie Kreme donuts. I’m not a glaze fan but I put the reference in the blog for my best friend. She better be reading this. I hope the shame prevents her from eating the whole dozen.

Getting back to my point. By day three I realized I needed to do something. On the top of my journal I wrote “I will not eat a donut today”. That was it. That simple phrase. I was going to call it a win if I made it through the day without eating a donut. Guess what? I did.

I don’t know if that was the spark that got me going in the right direction but it seemed like I got my mojo back after that. The next day I wrote “I’m not going to sit during my conference call”. I didn’t write what I was going to do, but I knew I wasn’t going to sit. When the time came for the conference call I got out of my chair and figured I might as well walk on the treadmill. Twenty minutes later I had a mile in and had completed another task on my to don’t list. As much as I loved checking off the boxes on a to do list. Putting a check mark next to the to don’t list felt ten times better.

I wasn’t beating myself up. I was simply naming one thing that I wouldn’t do that day. Each day was different but each day meant something. Another day I wrote “I will not drink soda”. The funniest one for me was “I won’t complain about eating vegetables”. Each time I didn’t do that one thing and each day I felt like I had accomplished something. You want to know the best side effect of all this? I felt my depression leaving me. I was having more good days versus bad days. As a bonus I lost a pound. Yes I am back to 270. Being prediabetic I decided to start testing my sugar again and I decided I like the way I felt so I wanted to keep it going.

I believe timing is everything. Always having a list of a million things to get done was not working. Here is an example of what my weight loss to do list would look like:

  1. Drink 64 ounces of water. I never did this
  2. Eat three healthy meals
  3. Don’t eat any snacks. Didn’t even come close.
  4. Workout for 30 minutes
  5. Meditate or do yoga. It sounds good.
  6. Close your Apple Rings.

Do you see the kind of pressure I put on myself. I was writing this list every day and usually it was much longer. Please note this is my weight loss list, not even my list for work or home stuff. Just getting this on paper each day was a chore. I went from all of the above to “Don’t sit during your conference call”. That was the switch I needed to get myself together.

I’m so glad I was able to finally begin to get over the hump of the depression haze. I’m not turning off my brights just yet but I am better. I’m a little behind my weightless schedule but I am much better than I was before. I’ve lost 20 pounds in nine months and I have no intention on gaining it back. Even with the weight I gained back over this time there are 10 pounds that are gone from my frame forever.

My message this week is to create a to don’t list. Stay focused so you can spend more time celebrating your wins instead of killing yourself with things you need to do. I tell people all the time “You know what to do. You don’t need me to tell you what to do”. I need to take that advice myself. I know what to do. I just need to focus daily on listing the one thing I won’t do for the day so I can celebrate all the things I did do. I’m changing my mindset a little each day.

Month 8 Week 4

“I love myself enough to push through the hard things” – Unknown

There are days when you think everything will be easier. The sun will come out, the clouds will part, and everything will get better. I want to tell you that this is one of those times, but it’s not. Like I told you all last week, we don’t get to decide when the depression goes away. We don’t get to snap our fingers and wake up happy. What we can do though is keep pushing through the hard things, and guess what? This is one of the hard things.

This week was a tough week for me at work. We had a coworker lose a parent. The team had to rally together to get everything done, and I was traveling on top of the madness. I am happy to say that not only were we there for the coworker, but we also got everything accomplished we set out to do. That did take a toll on me though. I didn’t get to workout like I wanted to, and I was extremely fatigued all week. I’m still not feeling 100% myself and each day I don’t accomplish something I feel a little worse. Yes I know, it’s the cycle.

What I have discovered is I have to decide what my pausing point will be. Let me explain. Many people talk about their breaking point. If this last thing happens, that is it! I remember when I was gaining weight I would say “If I get to 300 pounds, that is it!” I got to 290 on the scale which was not my heaviest. After I got to 290 I stopped getting on the scale, so I never knew what my heaviest was. I didn’t want to know what would happen at 300 because I had no plan after that. My “this is it” moment sucked because there would have been no repercussion had I gotten larger. I’m sure I would have just changed the number. My new line would have been “if I get to 350, that is it!”

Knowing myself I knew I needed a pausing point instead of a breaking point. Truth be told I’m not trying to get to a breaking point. My pausing point is when I feel myself getting out of control and know that I need to pause. I need to think about how I got in this place and take an honest assessment of what is going on.

Is everything out of control, or is one thing out of control?

Is the whole world against me, or is there one person getting on my nerves?

Can I not do anything, or am I having a hard time doing this one thing?

Do I want to lay down and just give up, or do I just want to stop trying to do a certain thing?

Do I need to pause or do I need to stop?

When I pause I can ask myself these questions. Brene Brown talks about this tactic in her books. It’s called “the story I am telling myself.” I feel like I’m always telling myself the worst story possible. My story has no happy endings and no one is a winner in this madness. I only discuss worst case scenario’s and believe me I always have a plan to solve them. Problem is in my worst case scenario world I never appreciate when things are going well.

My madness has caused me to begin keeping a gratitude journal. Funny thing is I have to remind myself to write something to be grateful for daily. Now if I kept a doomsday plan journal you best believe I would fill that thing out daily. I could come up with a great doomsday theory daily, but gratitude is a huge struggle.

So what am I working on for this final week? Still moving a mile. I got you. You thought I switched :). No I have to stay focused. I really think I have some form of OCD that I need to look into. If anything in my life changes everything is thrown out of whack. I can deal with change at work, but change in my life turns me into a hot mess. If someone has some advice on this, please fill me in.

As I wrap this month up I don’t know if I can call this a win. I can’t even call this a tie, let’s call is a forfeit lol. I don’t want to say I lost because I gained some good insight but I didn’t lose any weight. Depression keeps up on my hard and made for a rough time. Is the haze lifted, not sure. I do feel better than I have in a long time. I do feel like I’m on the path of better.

Who would have thought These 30 days would have been so rough. I have to regrouping to do. I’m praying you all are doing better than I am.

Honest moment- I did not want to blog. It is so hard to keep coming here and not sharing anything new or anything showing I’m moving in the direction I want to move in. As a perfectionist this is probably the toughest thing I’ve had to do, but I vowed I would blog for a year. I’m keeping that promise.

Month 8 Week 3 – Options

“Having only one options is not an option” – Unknown

A funny thing happened to me this week. I think I’ve mentioned before that I decided to go back to school in my 40’s. I took a pause during Covid when I needed to become a teacher to my youngest son, but this summer I signed up again to continue pursuing my degree in Agriculture. I signed up this summer to take math, which I struggle with. I figured taking the class for the entire summer would give me a better chance of passing it. I was wrong.

For the first time in my life I failed a class. Read that again. That first time in my entire life. Now if this was the first time I had taken this class maybe I would not have been so crushed. I attempted to take it a few years ago and had to drop it because I was just not getting the concepts. It’s like my brain could not get wrapped about the fact that I was actually supposed to be calculating math problems. I figured I would revisit the class again when it was mandatory and guess what, it’s not mandatory.

At my school they will let you take half of your credit hours before you must complete this math course. Essentially I can’t graduate if I don’t pass this class and the university does not want you to get too far in the process and then fail this class. I could see a lot of people losing their minds if their diploma was withheld for one math class. I guess the solution is to stop you in the middle of your studies and force you to get these math credits. As I type this I realize the language I’m using is harsh. Force, make you, can’t graduate, don’t pass. All these things pretty much sum up how I feel about this whole process. As if you have not guessed it I am not happy.

Not passing the class made me think long and hard about if and why I wanted this degree. I had to have some honest conversations with myself and decide if I was doing this for me or someone else. After I failed the class I cried while talking to my husband because I seriously did not know what to do. Again I have never failed a class. After my emotional breakdown I decided I would simply let the thought of getting this degree go. I’m at an excellent place in my career and honestly I could spend the time I spent studying doing something else, anything else.

I sent a message off to my coordinator and told them I was going to withdraw from the program. I told them I felt as though I was taking a spot of someone who could really benefit from it and passing this class had become a barrier I simply could not pass. After I hit send I simply waited for a response to see how to proceed to withdraw.

The following day I received and email from my coordinator that told me to reach out to my advisor and see what programs the school could offer. What? Is that a thing? Schools offer programs to help you pass courses? Now you might be sitting here thinking I have lost my mind. Why would I not think to reach out? Why would I be so stressed when I had not even asked anyone for assistance? What was wrong with me?

As with everything else this made me think about more than simply school. This made me think about so many things that affect my day to day. When I am struggling with weight, life, school, my kids, my marriage, any and everything I try to solve the problems myself. The truth is when you are in a mess you can’t figure out how to get out of that mess. I had nothing. I couldn’t even think of getting help from the school just like I don’t think about reaching out for help for other stuff.

When I don’t reach out for help, and dig within myself I get stuck. I eliminate all my options. Crazy part is if I just speak up someone will help me or give me options.

I want you all to let that sink in. Pause and find someone, anyone who can help you with options. When you are in some mess I want you to think of at least one person who can help you. If you can’t think of a person then I need you to ask a stranger. The stranger to me was my coordinator. Yes I know who the person is, but sending an email was still a struggle. Telling this person I was failing at something was hard for me to admit. Looking back I wish I had reached out for help sooner. I might have actually passed the class.

This week I want you to talk to someone. Talk to someone about anything that’s bothering you. You don’t have to pour your heart out, but they may give you solutions that you had not thought of. They may have some ideas to help you get to where you need to be. A friend might offer to walk with you. A coworker might offer to eat lunch with you. A spouse might offer to sit with you. A stranger might offer to listen to you.

Help comes in many forms. It is up to us to ask for it.

This week I plan to continue moving one mile per day. I commit to doing something that makes me feel better about myself. I plan on doing something that celebrates my tiny wins.

This week again I have lost no weight unless you could the weight of stress. I have decided again I will not beat myself up but will continue pushing forward. The win as usual is I didn’t gain any weight. I have to always take wins where I can get them regardless of how small they are.

Month 7 Week 1 – Rituals

“The little things you do daily, your rituals, define you” – Getting Back To Happy

I have always believed that things happen in your life for a reason. People are placed in your path and events occur at the right time. While some may argue that bad events don’t happen at the right time I would always challenge you to ask yourself if that bad event taught you a lesson. My recent “bad” events taught me lessons.

I struggle with perfectionism. I’ve struggled with this for years which is one of the major reasons for my depression. It’s hard for me to draw the line between doing enough and putting in the effort, to going insane and obsession. I’ve managed to tone it down at work. I know we can’t achieve perfection (although I ask for it) since we really deal in analytics. I have to decide what people will buy and when they will buy it. The other day we found ourselves reviewing weather forecast to determine the impact it would cause in a particular part of the country. These things are my normal, and I love all of it.

In my personal life this causes huge issues. Without giving all my business today I will focus on how it messes with weight. If I want to workout I feel like I have to dedicate so much time and put forth so much effort. Iyanla Vanzant had a quote that now haunts me. “Trying is not doing.” I took that literally and the problem is I don’t know when to stop trying. What I needed to focus on what realizing sometimes you simply have to let go. Believe me i’m working on that.

God told me I needed to work on this for July. I needed to work on not striving for perfection. The message didn’t come how others messages came. The message showed up in the form of a book. Somehow the book Getting Back to Happy fell in my recommended books selection. The authors Marc and Angel Chernoff take you through steps to help you simply get back to being happy daily. When I began reading the book I didn’t think I was unhappy. Apparently I was wrong. I was a hot mess, I still am a hot mess. One of the things the book mentions regarding being unhappy is always being busy. Didn’t I just tell you all about that. How I’ve put a million things on my plate and I feel like I’m spinning them on those tiny sticks. When I finally get a handle on all the plates my goofy ass adds another one. Yes that’s me right now. Just adding plates and losing my mind.

I am going to tell you to pick up this book. I actually have my entire team reading it and several people at my company. I think we could all use a little more happy coming out of the pandemic. I am not going to tell you the entire book but what I will tell you is the book spends a lot of time talking about rituals. It tells you not to focus on goals, but to focus on small rituals to help you accomplish your goals. If you want to work out daily, start with putting on your shoes. If you want to have a cleaner house, start by washing your breakfast dishes. The list goes on and on about the little things you can do to reach that next level. This entire blog I’ve been telling you to focus on one thing, now I’m going to tell you to focus on even smaller things.

For July I’m going to have three rituals that I do daily. Three things that I believe will improve my overall well being.

  1. I am going to get my blue dot. On the Peloton app every time you do an activity you get a blue dot. This can be mediation, riding the bike, getting on the treadmill, stretching, or strength training. The app is endless when it comes to just doing something good for yourself. I pay for it, I might as well use it.
  2. I’m going to pray. I have not been spending enough time with God. I am letting all these small things steal time that I need to just Be Still and pray. I have not accomplished all I have without giving him honor and I haven’t been giving enough praise.
  3. I’m going to extend gratitude to others and most importantly myself. I have to be nicer to me. I have to recognize how far I’ve come and all the good things I’ve done along the way. I have to show others love and gratitude daily. I didn’t get where I am without the love and support of my family and friends.

These things I can accomplish. These small things I should have no issue getting done and to put the icing on the cake I plan to ask myself these five questions daily.

  1. Did I obtain my blue dot today?
  2. Did I spend time furthering my education today? (remember I’m in school, again)
  3. Did I pause today to Be Still
  4. Did I give gratitude to myself or others?
  5. Did I tell someone or tell myself that “You Are Awesome Sauce?”

What are you going to do for yourself this month? What ritual will you begin? Oh and I almost forgot for those of you who are tracking. The goal is to be down 24 pounds by the point. I have lost those 24 pounds and even with my madness they have not returned.

Starting Weight At My Heaviest – 290

Starting Weight On This Journey – 288

Current Weight – 264

Let’s keep this going.

My som and I. We live this mantra!

Month 6 Week 4 – The Wall

“We were most creative when our back was against the wall” – Anita Roddick

I knew the day would come. I knew I would eventually hit what I have often referred to as “The Wall”. For me the wall is that time during my journey where I let everything go to hell. In the blink of an eye I have forgotten all my lessons and somehow reverted back to old habits. I tend to do this in work, relationships, and of course weight loss. I 100% know that this is due to depressions, but it still sucks when it happens.

The problem with the wall is that I don’t get hit all at once. It’s like someone is throwing small pebbles at me and then all of a sudden bricks. Before I know it I’m standing in front of a wall wondering how the hell I got here. This journey has been no different.

I decided to continue my education at the age of 43. My job is paying for it and honestly I believe I need this degree if I want to accomplish a few things in my career. No one is making me do this and I signed up 100%. My issue is math. I hate to admit it because there are so many stereotypes against girls in STEM fields, but me and math go toe to toe. Let me be clear. I can create a floor plan with perfect dimensions to build a garden. I can perfectly measure everything needed to do my bathroom remodel. I can create a budget for the year and figure out how to vacation with little to no money. If you consider this “basic” math, well I have basic math covered. The nemesis I am currently dealing with is linear equations. I need someone to tell me when I will ever need to create linear equations from a graph and I will become your new best friend.

As though math was not enough I am also working on several large projects at work. Again to be clear I signed up for these as well. I asked a question and someone thought that would be a great idea. That idea then turned into we should do it now. I continue to forget how fast paced my industry is, but honestly that’s why I love it. You want a project done? Challenge accepted.

With all of these things the last thing I thought about was what I ate. I ironically did not break my fast food rule, I just brought all the junk food in my house. Kroger had a sale on their premium ice cream so of course we stocked up. Butterscotch Blondie is some of the best stuff I’ve had all summer. Next there was a sale on Cheetos brand chips. Yep we stocked up on those as well. Mix in the fact that it’s summer and for some reason I like to eat everything in the summer, and “wallah” you see my issue. We are fully vaccinated so there are cookouts, parties, and road trips. I’m going to be honest. I am trying to get back all the time I lost being trapped in my house, but there is no sensible eating on these adventures.

I don’t have an excuse for my food choices and if you know me you fully realize I won’t give one. I simply messed up. I let a lot of circumstances in my life get out of control (all by my own hand) and now I need to fix them. So here is the plan.

I have to prioritize me. I fully see when I don’t take time and take care of myself everything else goes to hell. I have to prioritize my time in the gym. I have to prioritize meditation and prayer. I have to prioritize making and enjoying moments. If I do those things I will find motivation to do all the other things in my life. When someone throws a pebble I will throw that bitch back.

I want to leave you with this. There is only one person who is 100% responsible for your adult life. That is you. No one else can make you do a damn thing. It is also no one else responsibility to create or maintain your happiness. If we truly begin to own our shit we will be so much better for it.

If you have ever had to do a “reset” let me know. What strategies have helped you? Remember you might be holding the key that will help someone else. Let’s share.