Tag: #depression

Month 3 Wk2 Yr2 – Getting Better

“We fall down, but we get up” – Donnie McClurkin

“We fall down, but we get up. We fall down, but we get up. We fall down, but we get up. For a saint is just a sinner who fell down, and got up”

This is exactly how I felt all week. Not as much a sinner falling down, but simply a person falling down. My husband basically had to have emergency surgery this week. I believe when something like this occurs the best laid plans go out the window.

I love reading stories where people are in the worst of times and that’s when they decide to change their lives and be amazing. I’m talking about children having cancer and them deciding to lose weight. I’m talking going through a divorce and deciding you will beat depression. I’m talking the tragedy to triumph stories.

Again this week I wish I could tell you I had that story. I did not. I had an “I’m glad I got through this week” story. Today was my first day of vacation and if anyone needed some time off it is me. I haven’t eaten chocolate because I didn’t have any. I would have eaten it if I had it. I’ve been eating popcorn and chips. I haven’t drank soda because I didn’t have any. If I had it I would have drank it.

Now before you go crazy let me tell you that not having something has never stopped me from not eating it. At 10pm I would make a trip for ice cream or chocolate. If I want something bad enough I would just go get it. What’s stopped me this time? I’ve been too tired to even go get stuff. Yes its that bad.

This week my plan is to again make it through the week. Considering its week two and I haven’t posted a challenge I’m deciding that this months challenge is to continue to battle depression. I cannot let this win.

Please remember what I have said before. This doesn’t leave in a day, a week, or a month. It leaves when it wants to. It’s simply our job to keep fighting for one more second, one more minute, one more hour, one more day. I wish there was a switch, hell I know we all wish there was a switch. I will tell you what I tell myself. Let’s make it until tomorrow.

If any of you feel that you have reached a place and you need some help, maybe you feel you just cant battle anymore. Call this number 1-800-273-8255. There is always someone there to talk to you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Know that you are not alone.

I will not post weight this month. I think that’s the least of my worries. This month will be all about getting my mental health in order.

Month 3 Wk1 Yr2 – Depression Won

“Depression is living in a body that wants to fight with a mind that wants to die” – Unknown

I wanted to come to you with this fantastic challenge for the new month. I wanted to give you great stories of how I’m excited about this challenge and I’m five pounds lighter.

I can’t tell you any of these things.

This week depression won. I didn’t even feel it coming. Normally I get agitated and moody. I’m either yelling at people for nothing or very distant. I typically want to be by myself; or I don’t want to leave my bed. I also hate doing anything that makes me mentally exert energy so working is very hard.

Again none of this.

What I will tell you is I didn’t want to workout. I didn’t want to eat healthy foods. I didn’t want to log any meals, and I didn’t want to try. I didn’t want to try to do anything except make it from day to day.

I also beat myself up. Mad about the weight I haven’t lost and telling myself I should do better. Feeling like every piece of clothing I put on makes me look frumpy. My hair in a semi raggedy ponytail and my nails unkept. Physically I made myself look at bad as I felt.

What’s stressing me more is I can’t tell you have I got here or why I’m here. I can just tell you I know I’m here. When I got mad at the sun, I knew something was definitely wrong.

Spring is coming and the days are getting longer. With the weather a little nicer I no longer wanted to be in my home, but instead wanted to be outside. Instead of being rational and knowing I could go outside after work I got mad. I got mad that the sun was out and I couldn’t enjoy it. I actually said this out loud “I liked it when the sun didn’t come out because I didn’t feel like I’m missing out”.

I was mad at the sun because I had to work while it was out. Yea that’s when I realized I was headed towards depression, but honestly I knew I was already there.

I’m in the mist of this right now so there is no advice I’m even going to try to give. What I can say is again I didn’t want to blog but I’m not breaking my streak. I said I would talk about the good and bad and unfortunately I’m in the mist of the bad.

I will get through this because I always do, but know that I recognize it’s hard. Depression comes and goes when it wants. It sends me into a tale-spin and refuses to let me go. It likes to have me only focus on things I don’t like about myself and everything that is wrong. I will not do that.

I will get through this. I just have to give myself a little grace.

March Gardening Part 1

“Do some self care, garden” – My Therapist

As the sun begins to come out and the temperature hovers around fifty degrees I along with my neighbors got antsy. I rushed out to my garden to survey all the stuff I didn’t do last year and noticed all my neighbors out with their tools in hand.

Immediately we started talking about how excited we were for the new year. What went wrong last year, and what we all planned on growing. We were all buzzing with excitement. I felt like we were kids who were let out for recess.

We also talked about the new methods we planned to use this year to garden. My furthest neighbor uses traditional gardening. Meaning he took a plot of land, removed the grass and planted seeds. My next door neighbor did a mixture of traditional, raised beds, and container gardening last year. I was 100% containers last year. I also planned to be 100% containers this year.

The question I am constantly asked is why do container garden versus other methods? Below are my top ten reasons.

1. Little to no weeds – when you grow in containers you should use container mix. I use Mel’s Mix from the Square Foot Gardening Method. I highly encourage you to get this book. This mix creates the perfect growing medium and is virtually weed free.

2. Plants grow bigger than planned and you can move them – I am horrible at plant sizing. I see little seedlings and I plant away. Then my plants grow to full size and I have no space. With containers I can just rearrange the garden to create more growing room. This is usually when my front porch and back patio become full.

3. Easy on my back – I have horrible back issues so with pots I can pick them up and garden on a table or ledge. My garden actually has raised planks that are 2ft off the ground and the pots sit on the planks.

4. More control over soil and amendments – as a new gardener I was constantly trying new fertilizer methods. I don’t know about you but I’ve killed a few plants with too much fertilizer. In pots I only kill one plant instead of killing the entire garden.

5. Companion planting made easy – as you start growing more vegetables you will learn some plants should not be near each other. Example potatoes should not be planted near cucumbers. Because these are two things I love I always plant at least five varieties of each. When one ends up next to another I simply move the plant.

6. No slugs – slugs love gardens yet we don’t love slugs. They get into your veggies and feast away. There are many videos that tell you how to get rid of slugs. I prefer to not deal with them at all. To date I’ve never seen a slug crawl into my containers.

7. Fix mistakes – my first year container gardening was a little rough. I wasn’t getting enough water to certain plants, I didn’t add the correct amendments, I also didn’t stake everything that I should have. Containers helped me fix this. I added water dished to containers and watered from the bottom up. If the amendments were off I could just remove the plant and remix the soil. If there was no trellis again I just moved the plant to a trellis.

8. Crop rotation – I don’t know about you but remembering what I planted where is a chore. Simply remembering what I planted is a chore. With containers I don’t have to remember anything. At the end of the season I dumped all the clean soil into buckets and use it the following year.

9. Contaminated soil – I had a friend who’s whole garden was killed due to bad soil she had purchased. She had a raised bed and a few containers and had to throw everything out. With containers, only the contaminated soil would have needed to be thrown out. Soil is way too expensive to waste.

10. Control issues – I have control issues and container gardening let’s me control everything. If the sun is beaming I can move my lettuce to the shade. If the tomatoes need to turn colors I make sure they get full sun. If the temperature gets too cold I can put the pots in the garage (I’ve done this).

This list consists of my top ten. There are many more advantages and some disadvantages as well. Research has helped me make fewer mistakes. Share some of your tips on container gardening.

And as always, Let’s Grow Some Stuff.

Raised Planks in Unicorn Crossing. I can garden without bending over. Back saver.
The planks full.

Month 2 Wk4 Yr2

“Trying to manage diabetes is hard because if you don’t, there are consequences you’ll have to deal with later in life” Bryan Adams

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before but I’m pre-diabetic. I was diagnosed two years ago and since then I’ve struggled on and off to make the best choices to combat this. Honestly one of the reasons I decided to go on the weight loss journey was because of the threat of diabetes.

This week it hit home harder than I wanted. My husband is diabetic and was diagnosed with diabetic retinopathy. This meant he needed to not only have laser treatments and eye injections, but also eye surgery. Ok I’m going to be honest with you all. That scared the sh$t out of me.

I’m not going to tell you all his business but just know he’s had diabetes for years and only in the last few years has begun to actively take care of it. I don’t want to get to that point.

I don’t want to have eye issues. I don’t want to possibly lose my limbs. I don’t want injections of insulin daily. I don’t want medication on top of medication to control a disease that I caused myself.

And while I don’t want any of that I find myself often not doing anything to stop it.

This week though with his surgery, I was shook.

Something has to click inside of you to do better. I haven’t clicked yet. I’ve turned the corner a little since I’m not binging on foods or stuffing myself silly. I’m drinking more water and actually eating some vegetables, but I haven’t clicked. For me clicking is constantly doing better. It’s me not thinking about eating well, but instead just eating well.

I haven’t given up on the click but I sure will be glad when I find it.

February Start Weight 270

February Ending Weight 267. Three pounds gone.

20 in 20.

Only four days but slow progress is better than no progress.

Gardening February Part Two

“An hour of planning can save hours of doing” – Unknown

If you are like me you are itching to get your hands in some dirt. Earlier this month all my seeds arrived and I decided it was time to sit down and create a plan of what I really wanted to grow this year.

After a small survey of all the seeds I realized I have 13 varieties of cucumbers and 26 varieties of tomatoes. Now if I planned to only grow cucumbers and tomatoes that would be fine, but I also have 20 other vegetables to get in this garden. In total I have over 120 varieties of vegetables.

Basically what I’m admitting is I can’t grow everything I want this year unless I plan on expanding my garden. Please note my husband will kill me if I make this thing any bigger.

If you are like me deciding what makes the cut is rough. I have my favorites from last year and all the new varieties I just purchased. What to do? What to do? Answer, make a plan.

The first thing I did was select two favorites from last year. I fell in love with the Tropical Sunset tomato from M.I.Gardener and the Amish Paste. You might be able to get these varieties from other places but these tomatoes grew so well I had to try it again. The Tropical Sunset is a cherry tomato that was so sweet I had a neighbor eating them right off the vines. The Amish Paste tomato made the perfect pasta sauce last year which meant it was definitely making the cut. So there, the two tomatoes from last year selected.

Deciding on the new varieties was harder because I had 10 new varieties. I’m deciding against all common sense to grow one of each variety. I know this is ambitious and I’m going to regret it later but I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t growing everything. So there you have it, 12 varieties of tomatoes will make the cut this year leaving 48 available spaces. I use a mix of container and square foot gardening which I will talk more about later but just know 48 squares is not as much space as you think.

With tomatoes taking over 12 spaces I’ve decided some other stuff has got to go. I’m scratching squash, turnips, and mustard greens this year along with a few other varieties of items. It’s crazy because as I get better at gardening I run out of space in the garden. Squash lovers don’t be mad at me. I need that space for all the potatoes I plan to grow. Y’all didn’t think I would do a gardening blog and not mention potatoes :). Of course I’m growing potatoes.

Ok moving right along…

So gardeners if you haven’t already done so sit down and create a plan. First decide what you want to grow and then decide how many of each variety you will grow. Look at all the seed selections and make sure you select what’s right for you and your zone. Trying to grow pineapples in Ohio is something that’s not going to work.

Realize that everything you plant will not grow and also don’t be shocked if it does. Have a backup plan to get rid of some plants if your green thumb turns out to be better than you thought. Also leave some space for surprises. Every year someone drops off a new variety of vegetable for me to try. I’m not even talking seeds I’m talking one foot tomato or pepper plants. My theory is they just couldn’t let the seedlings go and finally realized they did not have the space. I’ve been there. Anywho.

Yes it’s cold and yes you think I’m crazy but if you want to get a head start, start now. I already have all my collards started and once transplanted I’m moving on to cabbage. Can you feel my excitement!!

For those who wanted an update on the Aerogarden. This is three weeks worth of lettuce growth from seed. This is Deer Tongue and was great in my salad. Definitely worth the purchase price. #gardening365

Month 2 Wk3 Yr2 – Woe Is Me

“The sky is falling” – Chicken Little

I don’t know about you but it seems like every time I’m on a roll everything tries to derail my progress. Last week I was following my program and then work was much more intense than normal. My son needed help with school and my other son had sporting events we had to attend. I went from starting dinner at 5pm to trying to find food at 7pm. It simply felt like I was go, go, go.

Now as a person who suffers from depression I felt an episode coming on. I would work, eat , then sleep. After I slept for 10-12 hours I was waking up feeling like I had a five minute cat nap. I heard myself using words like never, every time, and always. When those words creep into my vocabulary I realize I need Plan B.

Plan B for me involves a couple of things. The first thing is to allow myself to feel whatever I’m feeling. If I’m feeling depressed I allow myself to feel depressed. Depression is tricky and deciding I’m not going to be depressed tomorrow is not an option. The next thing I do is try to find small wins. Yaaa I woke up on time today. Go Me, I washed a load of clothes. I’m awesome, I combed my hair today.

I am not kidding when I say celebrate everything. When I’m depressed my mind immediately goes to all the stuff going wrong and never what’s going right. I have to gently ease myself back on the positive train.

I accomplished closing my rings for at least five days. Let me tell you accomplishing this while working through the depression it was hard. Closing these rings was my little win each day. Three times a day I got to celebrate just a little. That’s really what I needed to get through this tough week.

My tip for you this week. Find your small wins. Small wins add up to big wins and big wins lead up to living depression free.

Starting Weight For Feb 270

Current weight now 268. Two pounds gone.

20 For 20 Goal 250.

Month 2 Wk2 Yr2 – Wow

“Had to have high, high hopes for a livin” – Panic! At The Disco

Let me tell you this week has been hard. When I decided to do this challenge I just knew I was going to workout and get myself moving everyday. Yea I had some high, high hopes. What I got was one work crises after another. I got appointments I needed to attend, surprise presentations and meetings. All my plans went out of the window.

Before you think I completely failed I did get four days worth of movement.

I closed my green ring (Exercise Ring) four times. On Feb 2nd I actually got a workout in and the remaining days I had to do little exercises at my desk. I was trying to get my workout minutes in anyway I could get them.

I’m not going to give you a bunch of useless information this week. What I’m going to tell you is try to find a way. If you are trapped at your desk do some leg lifts. I hopped on my yoga ball and did squats while listening to a conference call. If you have nice weather right now break away and head outside. Since I claimed I couldn’t find 30 minutes I found 5 minutes here and there.

Notice I said claim because I was full of crap. Each day I played useless games on my phone or read articles on Google for over an hour. I wasn’t looking for that 30 minutes :).

Next week I’m going to make my five days. I’m going to locate those 30 minutes.

Starting Weight For February- 270

Current Weight 269. One pound gone.

20 Week Goal Weight – 250. I’ve got this.

Gardening February Part 1

START PLANNING

I know I usually give you a great quote about gardening as the intro, but there was nothing to say other than start planning. I think the biggest mistake people make outside of planting too much, is not having a plan. Just like with everything else you need to begin with some leg work before you head out to your garden.

If you are a first time gardener I’m going to give you some tips, but this is really applying to people who have gardened for at least one year. I say that because in your first year you need to do stuff like find a spot, pick some seeds, amend your soil, or buy some pots. This post is not going to help you with those things but previous post will. This post is for all of us who think we have it all under control and then in August we ask ourselves what have we done.

The first thing I’m going to recommend is one of my favorite gardening planners.

This book right here has it all. If last year you were all over this place buy this book. It takes you week by week on what you should be doing to get your garden going. The only thing you have to do is determine your frost dates and count backwards. It tells you when to start seeds, when to transplant, and when to begin looking for bugs. While this book can’t give you information about your specific growing zone it can get you started in the right direction.

The great thing about this book is it holds three years worth of information. For those of you who don’t do any journalling this is at least a good start. Please note that I have an entirely separate garden journal that I keep notes in from year to year to compliment this.

I picked my journal up late and it’s already telling me I should be planting collards for an early harvest. Let me clearly state it is 11 degrees outside and there is a sheet of ice under six inches of snow. The thought of planting collard seeds is cracking me up. I will also be the same person in March/April talking about how warm it is and that I should have planted some cold tolerant crops. Yes I’m that person.

With that said, order the book. You can thank me later for this little gem.

Month 2 Wk1 Yr2

“Now that that don’t kill me, can only make me stronger” Kanye West

As February was approaching I had no idea what I would do this month. Some friends told me to eat vegetables but me and vegetables don’t always get along. When I did that challenge last year I lived off cucumbers, green beans, and shredded lettuce. I think the point of the challenge was for me to try new vegetables, but I never kept it up. I needed to come up with something and no bells and whistles were going off. That was until I returned home from a girls weekend.

The weekend was filled with a lot of laughing, a lot of crying from laughing, and a lot of carbs. My one friend has a love of pizza so we had that twice. I have a love of chicken and dumplings so I got an extra portion for later. You add those two foods to fish and chips, cheeseburgers, and not enough water and my scale went the wrong way.

When I returned home I had gained four pounds. Basically the two I lost came back and some friends dropped by.

This is typical for me which I’m sure it is for you. As I’ve said before, it was worth it. I made a goal to be more present and being present meant not worrying about what I ate. The weight can come off, I could never get those laughs back.

I think my other friend felt the same way because she came up with a challenge. 20 in 20. She basically challenged us to lose 20 pounds in 20 weeks. After the 20 weeks we will get back together and hang out at a lake house. While the lake didn’t excite me hanging out with friends again did.

Now I don’t know about your friends but my friends are competitive. No one wants to be the person who didn’t lose something. I’m not trying to tell these ladies I didn’t at least lose a few pounds. The great thing was this challenge was more than doable and it falls right in line with my one pound a week plan.

Sooo….

Challenge accepted.

This month I plan to revisit a proven method that works. I’m going to keep moving my body. My focus is to close my Apple Watch exercise ring at least five days a week. That includes some cardio, weight training, and meditation.

Starting weight for February is 270.

Twenty week goal is 250.

I got this.

Month 1 Wk5 Yr2 – Bonus Week

“Look, my philosophy in life is expect nothing and everything is a bonus” – Hugh Jackman

I have to be honest. That is probably one of the saddest quotes I’ve ever read. Expecting nothing is not the way I live, but the quote makes sense. I think a lot of times people put so many expectation on themselves that everything is a let down. I find myself doing that often. This journey I took myself on was not immune to that thinking. I wanted to lose a pound a week and expected to lose a pound a week. I then got mad at times when I didn’t lose a pound a week. It was only after I reflected on where I was did I realize what I learned. What I learned often times was much bigger than the one pound I didn’t lose.

I will also tell you that’s what happened with this eating an apple thing. I found I would eat an apple then I would want a protein shake or the fruit smoothie. Refer to the smoothie recipe from last week. I then decided I should probably start walking because, well I had the energy. In my mind the goal was to not waste this apple thing. If I was going to eat this healthy apple, why not have tuna for lunch. It’s crazy how one change had me wanting to perform another change. The key is I wanted to do it, I didn’t place the expectation on myself to do it. I didn’t fill out a million rules of what I would do. I simply said I would eat an apple.

If you look back to the post I had from Year 1 I emphasized trying one thing a month. All those things did not stick immediately for me, but the concepts did. I was able to introduce myself to something and come up with a plan. I can tell you one thing for sure. Losing weight is about finding things that click. I know what to do, you know what to do, you will only do it when you are ready.

I’m not here to bash any weight loss plan, but again they will only work when they click for you. I hope at least one thing I’ve said clicks.

Beginning January Weight- 268

Ending January Weight – 266