“A blind man who sees is better than a seeing man who’s blind” – Unknown Proverb
You are looking at the title assuming you have missed week 2 and 3 . You have not.
I have chosen to avoid the scale. I’ve avoided the scale because I’ve done nothing to encourage that number to go down. I also didn’t want to post and give you a sob story. I have absolutely no reason for eating except I enjoy food.
It seems like ice cream taste better in the summer. Crumbl Cookie opened a new location five minutes from my home to make me fatter. That’s just my theory. I have no desire to cook because I would rather be outside gardening.
I knew every post wouldn’t be a good one, but I also didn’t think I would have a two year record of maintaining or gaining the weight I was trying to lose.
Now for the truth. It only matters to me when I’m around other people. When I notice I’m the biggest or my clothes don’t fit. When I’m tired of buying new clothes or I’ve run out of time to buy new clothes.
It doesn’t matter while I’m eating crap, watching tv, or ordering cookies. I can be the fattest person in Crumbl Cookie and could care less. If I’m with my friends I then realize their a bunch of skinny ladies. Let me be clear I’m not mad or jealous of them. I’m actually very proud of them. I simply get upset with myself.
I’m hoping next week I come to you with some fantastic insight. If not I do promise to at least blog. No need to stop doing everything.
Good Note- outside of weight I feel fantastic. The sun really does aid in curing depression. That and a very good therapist.
I use to run. I use to run half marathons. Saying it out loud makes me impressed and angry. The reason is that phrase “use to”.
Now I can’t walk 15 minutes without being winded. Running sounds crazy to me. The problem with this crazy is I want to run. I want to not only run one mile, but 13.1 miles in under three hours. Yes I actually did that.
This month along with my work team I decided to do a steps challenge. Counting steps makes me actually move even when I don’t want to. Last month was a water challenge and I know it’s hard to believe but I’m still drinking it. Now I’m adding on steps.
The goal is to again run a 5K. Hell the goal is to run, I don’t care how far. Sitting here typing that sounds so allusive but when I did it the first time I didn’t believe it either.
So why this new motivation? I wish I could tell you I got some crazy notion to do things the right way. Nope! I realized I have 5+ vacations planned this year. Add to that all the kids sporting events and all the activities and I know I need to lose weight.
My family has started bowling a few times a week. I’m sweating during the first game. Anybody at any weight can bowl. I’m just not trying to be drenched in sweat while doing it.
I want to do activities and not feel like I can’t move. I need my back not to hurt, along with my knee, neck, and feet.
Is this different from previous times, who knows. I will tell you I know you need motivation to get yourself together. Let’s pray this is my motivation.
On a very very very positive note I have been dealing with stress very well. The stress is not any less than normal but I’m better. I’m very focused and very excited about seeing what tomorrow brings. Today is 100% better than yesterday.
In all my years of losing and gaining weight I don’t think any food has given me as much stress as bananas. If you have low carbed or have diabetes you fully understand what I’m talking about.
One medium size banana has 105 calories and 27 carbs. I don’t know how many times I’ve questioned myself about eating a banana. Mind you I will eat chips by the handful but I panic at the thought of bananas.
On my last bout of neuroticism I had to laugh. I was seriously mad at myself for going over my carb count because I ate a banana. Again I needed to regroup.
I need to be healthy. I need to eat fruits and vegetables. I need to drink water. I need to move my body, and I need to practice some self care. I need to do all the things I’ve been screaming about for a year and a half.
Had I followed my own plan I would be down around 70 pounds. I would be at my goal weight. That alone makes me want to slap myself . Something that I know works yet I just didn’t do it.
This summer I have so many trips planned and the first thing I thought about was how soon I could lose weight. Yea I know, ass backwards.
With a heavy sigh I have to admit to myself that I need help. I need help figuring all this out. I need help from a therapist to work through depression and I need help from a friend to keep me on track with weight. I thought I could do it alone and truth is I can’t. I’ve finally reached out and got myself a support system. Truthfully they reached out to me.
Doing the same thing over and over is the definition of insanity. I was literally driving myself insane.
As I laid in my bed today not able to do anything except sleep I think the epiphany finally hit me. I can live like this forever, which is not living at all or I could do something new. I’m going to try something new, and I’m going to start with eating some bananas.
Months ago I looked through all the seed catalogs to find out what I wanted to grow for 2022. The hardest part of that task was making sure I didn’t buy seeds I already owned. Between the catalogs, the stores, and my trip to M.I.Gardener I wanted to make sure I had a variety of each veggie.
I also wanted to make sure I actually recorded which varieties I liked this year. Last year I grew everything and just threw stuff together. I picked all the collard greens and cooked them together. I also picked all the cabbage and cooked it together. That really didn’t allow me to see what I liked, what grew well, or what I wanted to grow again. This year I needed a plan.
The first thing I needed to do was upgrade my seed storage box.
This year I opted for a two sided box. The compartments can be adjusted to hold various amounts of seeds. Before you ask, of course I got this off Amazon. You will also notice the seeds are in little jewelry bags and labeled with a sharpie. I put the name of the veggie along with the year I purchased the seeds. If I don’t grow all of a seed pack within two years I share the seeds with friends. Sharing is caring :).
Now back to the box. The best feature of this box so far has been the handle and how rugged it is. I’ve already dropped it twice and thrown it in my garden bag and the seeds have stayed put. There are two heavy duty latched on both sides along with a sturdy plastic frame. This box was meant to hold screws and nails so the plastic is thick. I noticed when looking at boxes made for beads they didn’t look as rugged.
The last thing you want to do while planting is fiddle around with seed packs. This method allows me to keep the actual packages in the house (I have a binder) and only take the seeds outside.
This year I plan to label the seeds I love along with seeds I don’t want to grow again. Why I didn’t do that last year I have no idea.
The theme for this growing season is organization and maintenance. Hopefully I can help at least one person to GROW SOME STUFF!
I almost fainted last week. I was in Colorado for work and had just walked up one flight of stairs. Yes the one flight will be important in this story.
I stepped to the side to let someone walk past me and kind of stumbled on the wall. I then noticed my heart was beating very fast and then I was dizzy. Next I was sweating. This all happened in a matter of seconds but it felt like I was moving in slow motion.
Instead of stopping I stumbled into the bathroom. I remember telling the two people I was with I was headed to the restroom and made myself stay conscious enough to open the door.
By this time I was dripping with sweat. I made my way to the first stall and sat on the toilet seat. I began fanning myself with my hand while using toilet tissue to wipe the sweat from my face.
My breathing would not slow down. I laid my head on the wall of the bathroom and just sat there. I closed my eyes and just sat there. For 10-15 minutes I did not move.
If you are asking why I didn’t tell someone what was happening it’s because I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed that I was about to pass out from walking up one flight of stairs. I was embarrassed that I would be larger than the last time I was in town. I was embarrassed that I had in my mind failed again.
I blamed the thin Colorado air and the altitude. I blamed myself for not drinking enough water. I simply blamed myself.
I told my husband the next day and he simply told me to slow down. He also told me to workout. He said when he thinks about giving up he thinks of the family and keeps going. That hit me hard.
There are moments that either make or break you. There are moments when you either decide to get your shit together or keep doing what your doing.
I’m praying this is a moment that I get my shit together.
Current weight 282
This is due to traveling and that damn time of the month. I wanted to lie and tell you my weight had not changed. Crazy on a blog in which I’ve poured my heart out I still cringe when I post a gain. I’ve still got a lot of work to do. This blog has not at all gone the way I thought it would. I hope you all are still rooting for me. I need that support right now.
“You never know what someone else is going through” – Unknown
Not sure if I mentioned it but we did a girls trip a few weeks ago. As part of the trip we dropped by and visited my good friends niece who attends an art college.
I walked through their school in awe. As part of their classes they display their work all over the school. The students have small studio spaces where they keep supplies and various art in different stages of completion.
To say these student were talented would be an understatement. The talent of that small space made me again have hope for the generations after me.
Their artwork said something. The messages were powerful on so many levels. You could see pain, joy, loss, wonder, and every emotion in between.
On a wall in a loft space I saw the picture posted below. If you read any of these lines on their own you don’t get the message. Reading “I am nobody” makes you feel sad that someone doesn’t feel worthy. If you read “Nobody is perfect” you feel an excuse is being made. Reading “Therefore I am perfect” makes you think their is some arrogance from the speaker. Only when all put together do you see the heart of the message. “I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefor I am perfect”.
We are all like this message. Taking one segment of our lives out of context gives the wrong impression of who we are. I am not just African American, nor am I just a wife, mother, daughter, or friend. I am not just an employee, a student , or a person who fights depression and weight loss. I am all of these things and when put together they make up who I am.
This week I didn’t fight who I was nor did I try to change me. I loved me, all of me for exactly who I am. Until we learn to love ourselves as we are, we will never love ourselves once we turn into who we are trying to be. Yes you can read that last sentence again.
This week honor yourself. Be grateful for all that you have and hopeful for what’s to come. I am turning the corner on this journey and loving every step. Yea sometimes I’m stepping in dog poo or mud, that’s life. Learning that dog poo and mud can be washed away is where I am now. My anxiety can be washed away when I choose to focus on the good.
Current weight 279. No loss, and no gain. Well I gained a lot of insight. when I figure this out I’m coming out swinging and everybody better be ready.
I missed posting a blog for the first time in over a year. I realized last Sunday I missed it then got busy and never made my way back. In the mist of my panic to try to catch up I decided I would just Pause.
I’m not going to stop blogging, but I’m going to pause and appreciate the good in my life before diving head first back into challenges.
The reason I missed last week is because I have two wonderful friends who kidnapped me for some much needed rest. On a typical vacation of go go go we did nothing but sit in our nice hotel. That was the best 72 hours I’ve had in a long time.
The other reason I didn’t make up the post and also missed the gardening post was because we have implemented family bowling night. I didn’t realize how something that small would change our family. Each time we high five for a strike or even a missed spare I smile with pride looking at my boys.
These are moments I can never get back so I’m going to enjoy them.
Not losing sight of my ultimate goals I am still tracking everything I eat. I am also about to join a work water challenge. Having someone else come up with these fantastic ideas is probably what I need for awhile.
This is the part where I wanted to lie, but I’m not. I was 267 before the depression kicked in. During this spiral I ate. I ate a lot. I ate my way back up to 285. I ate to numb myself and I ate to not focus on the madness around me. In the past two weeks as I found my way back the weight is coming off again. It never amazes me how easy it is to put weight on yet how hard it is to get weight off.
Current Weight 279.
I’m not happy with that number, but I know it could be worse. I know I have some work to do, and as always I’m willing to do it.
“I do have anxiety, and it is part of my experience” – Lizzo
I remember when I was younger I use to hear my grandmother and aunts talk about nerve pills. They talked about them as casually as you talk about Tylenol. No one even batted and eye. What I learned by these actions was taking nerve pills was ok because everyone did it. They did it because people got on their nerves.
When I got older and started to suffer from what I now know is depression and anxiety I mentioned this to a few members of my family. I was trying to be perfect at everything. I would get extremely sad for no reason, or I would sleep for two days. What my family told me was that “I was working myself too hard”, or “I would get through this”. Not once did anyone even utter the words depression or anxiety, so I kept waiting to get through whatever “this” was. They also did not mention these famous nerve pills which I wish they had because they were getting on my nerves.
In college it got worse when my mood would swing suddenly. I was always sad. Everyone around me kept saying they were normal but I just felt off. I saw my first counselor in college and was diagnosed with depression.
When I went home to tell my family I was quickly told “Black people dont get depressed”.
If I wasn’t a mess before I was certainly a mess now. It was a white lady who told me I was depressed so maybe she was wrong. I was struggling with identity issues in high school and college so again maybe they were wrong. My first real boyfriend told me I was a “white girl trapped in a black girls body” so maybe I was displaying this white girl disease. I had no idea what to believe, so I ignored it.
Guess what happened? It got worse and a few years later I eventually broke. It’s been 17 years since the break and while each day gets easier it does come with its challenges.
Let me tell you some of the things I’ve learned and hopefully they help some of you, while continuing to help me.
I had to learn that problems are going to happen daily. I just have to learn to deal with them. That was the easy part. My problem is, in my mind I’m trying to solve a million problems at the same time. My mind eventually gets pissed and shuts down then decides to take my body with it. The solution is recognizing what’s happening and slowing down.
I also learned that no one person is responsible for my issues nor can they solve my issues. YOU DO NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE. Stop trying to fix stuff yourself. Obviously your brain can’t fix this issue so let someone help you. Only you can finally solve your issues, but there are people who can help you along the way.
The last thing I learned was that Black people DO get depressed. Depression has no color. Depression doesn’t care about who you think you are, or how strong you believe you are. Depression basically says “Fuck your feelings”. Depression is that beast that just doesn’t go away and likes to rear its ugly head from time to time.
I’ve yet to meet a person who has beat depression. What we like to say is “My story is not over;” That is the most important thing.
Let me be clear. We are all placed here for a reason. You may not know that reason, but there is a reason. It is not your place to remove yourself from this world and rob someone of your joy. I’ve gone on to be the mother of two wonderful children. I have a husband who loves me. I have lifelong friends and I have coworkers who are amazing. Guess what? They all get on my nerves and that’s ok.
If you are Black, Hispanic, Asian, White, yellow, green, blue, pink, or teal, you can get depressed and that is ok. There is nothing wrong with you are you are here for a reason. You are amazing and believe me someone loves you.
As this month comes to a close and I evaluate my mental health I’m 100% in a better place than when I started. I realize that I needed to take this break and take care of myself and that is ok. Maybe I was just reacting late to the Winter Blues but I’m ok.
Oh and let me say I’m never embarrassed or ashamed of talking about my mental health. If you have questions ask me. Hiding and pretending like I’m ok is what got me here. I refuse to go back to that place. I’m going to continue to love myself and grow into the person I’m meant to be.
“He promised me he will (deliver, deliver, deliver)” – Bebe Winans
When I can’t control my situations I stress. When I stress I get depressed. When I get depressed I eat. When I eat I get depressed.
You can change the order of those words any way you see fit but the results are the same. I’m depressed, stressed, and eating.
I’ve also noticed when I’m very stressed I just don’t eat. I eat everything in sight, and some out of sight things. I crave everything. Sweet, salty, and savory. The list goes from chocolate, to chips, to cheddar bay biscuits. There is no rhyme or reason.
I also develop big plans, telling myself what I’m gonna do tomorrow. Tomorrow I’m going to run. Tomorrow I’m going to eat right. Tomorrow I’m not going to bake a cake or make ice cream (I got a Ninja Creami and although I love it it’s the devil. More to come later). I realize I am out of control because I can’t control stuff.
This is 100% the perfectionist in me. I would love to meet a perfectionist without control issues. I need some tips.
This week has been rough but I’ve figured out a lot. I’ve figured out that as a child when I couldn’t control my environment I ate. When I couldn’t spend time with people I wanted to I could eat. When I found out my then boyfriend was cheating on me I ate. I think part of me ate so I could then blame the fat. It’s easier to assume people don’t like you because you’re fat instead of them just not liking you. Yea it’s the fat.
While I’ve grown out of the “do you like me” phase I have not grown out of the control phase. As my husbands health continues to change I eat. I can’t control his heath so I eat. When my kid is having issues at school I eat. I can’t control him experiencing his first issues with racism so I eat. When I’m killing myself at work trying to get a raise I eat. I can’t control the person who swipes the pen and grants my raise so I eat. As I wait to hear about us closing on our home I eat. I can’t control the underwriter so I eat.
Realizing this through a lot of journaling I’ve decided I need a new trigger. When I’m at my wits end I need to not eat. I need to find something I can do anywhere at anytime. I want to say I’m going to run but I can’t commit to that. I can commit to journaling or crocheting or reading. I also can do a lot of praying and a lot of meditation.
This past week showed me something about myself. I never stop trying to be better. I never stop trying to learn new things and I never stop trying to progress. Depression focuses on the past while worrying about the future. Someone said something to me a long time ago that I’m going to repeat all week.
You can’t worry about it and pray about it.
I can’t ask God to help me with something then tell him how to do it. This week I’m handing all my worries over to God. Once handed to Him I will move on. He hasn’t let me down thus far and I know he’s not going to start.
Meditation and prayer is the recipe for the week. It’s been too long since I’ve spent time with my Father. I’m going to Be Still.
I realize today as I was going through my notes that the first year I decided to garden I spent over $500. I then spent over $500 the second year and would have spent more if I had not start writing down what I’d spent.
This can be a bit much.
This got me to thinking about people who are just starting out. How can you garden for under $100 without doing any of those tricks that you see on YouTube. I have no intention of seed starting in yogurt cups or egg cartons. I also have no intention on taking old items and turning those into planters. Don’t get me wrong, you can do all those things and save money. I’m just going to be honest and tell you I’m not doing any of that.
So how can people like me start a garden on a budget. Basically people who want function mixed with a little bit of fashion. Here is my must do list to get started. By the way I will be rounding up since I don’t know the tax in your area.
Containers – I recommend 5 gallon buckets. I have seen the price increase but I’m going to tell you the best value for me was Walmart. Not only did they have a lot of buckets but they had a variety of colors. In my garden I have Black, White, Green, and Blue. Cost for one bucket is $3. I would recommend at least 5 buckets to get started so your total investment cost is $15. (You can also buy planters. Make sure they are at least five gallon planters). Some stores may have some on clearance as they make room for this years styles.
Soil – You need a good quality potting mix. You might get a cheap bucket, but do not get cheap soil. I recommend Miracle Grow Potting Mix. This cost around $15 a bag. You will need three bags for a cost of $45. These three bags will not fill all your buckets, but will fill the tops of your buckets where most of the roots will be. You can fill the bottom half of your bucket with the bag your soil came in, leaves, dirt from your yard, branches, or a smaller pot. You might ask why I told you to get five gallon buckets if they are so hard to fill. I actually use them to store my soil from year to year. These buckets become very versatile and dirt ain’t cheap.
Watering Can – You can get a good watering can for $5. If you find one cheaper use the extra money to buy more seeds. This is not a necessity but after you have lugged water back and forth you will thank me. If you have a water hose that you would rather use take that $5 and buy a water wand attachment for your hose. You need water to sprinkling on your plants, not blast them.
Seeds – You should now have $30 left to buy seeds. Seeds vary in price but you dont need to break the bank. You can get seed packs at the dollar store, home improvement stores, or even Walmart and Target. The price of seeds depends on what you want to plant. On average seeds are running $3 a pack this year. Realize you can plant multiple plants in a one bucket. Lettuce can be planted with onions. A tomato plant can be planted with basil. Research companion planting.
Journal – Take $1 and go to the dollar stores and buy a journal or notebook. You need to keep notes. Believe me this will help you next year. If you are tech savvy put it on your phone, but I like paper so I write everything down.
The total is around $96. This is 100% all you need to grow stuff. You don’t need to start out with amendments or fertilizers. There is no need to break the bank if you just want to dabble in gardening to see if this is something you will enjoy. I’m sure you can do this cheaper but I believe these are the basics.
I also suggest a lot of books in my blogs. You don’t need these. Google is free. The internet is packed with information but I will tell you for me it got overwhelming. After you decide what you are going to plant go from there and everything else is easy.
I will make this last point. You are going to hear “plant what you like to eat”. I don’t even like many vegetables but I love gardening. Don’t plant what you like to eat. Plant something that someone will eat. I garden for therapy not to eat stuff. If you are laughing because my garden is large, realize I need a lot of therapy.