Category: Uncategorized

What We Wont Do

“You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens” – Anonymous

Whenever I decided I wanted to lose weight I would do this one thing. I would say I’m going to start on Sunday. Sunday was always my go to diet day. This meant I could eat garbage all week because I would be depriving myself starting Sunday. This meant I could go to the grocery store and make a plan because I always need to plan. This gave me time to buy proper workout clothes and shoes. This gave me time to get a new journal and write all the inspirational quotes that would take me through the next thirty days in which my plan was to lose thirty pounds. I would start by stepping on the scale and watching the number register. For me the highest that number I got was 299 pounds on my 5’9 frame. Ok that was the highest number I ever saw on the scale. I remember telling myself at one point that if I ever got over 300 pounds I had gone too far. Funny when I got close to 300 pounds I simply stopped getting on the scale. When I went to get weighed for weight loss surgery they actually allowed me to not know what my weight was. I know. Looking back that entire concept seemed so ridiculous. It was like “let’s hide how big you are because you can’t handle it”. It’s making a little more sense why surgery did not work for me. I never went in with a realistic view of what I needed to do to succeed. Hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes after I weighed myself I would get ambitions and measure all my areas. Arms, stomach, hips, neck, wrist, thighs, and ankles. I have very tiny ankles. I would jot all my little numbers down and go through the “how the hell did you get this big” motions, but I would feel good. I would feel good because I had a plan. 

Sunday would come and I was on point. I did everything I said I would do. Followed my plan to the letter and would see all my hard work pay off with a five pound loss at the end of the week. It never dawned on me that the five pounds I lost was simply the five pounds I had gained the week before by eating garbage. Rolling off the high of the loss I would pull this plan off again and BAM, another three pounds gone. Week three I would still be feeling good and usually drop another two pounds. You see me. This would equate to a ten pound loss in three week. I would be in heaven at this point, and this is when heaven usually turned into hell. It could be my time of the month, stress from work, something with the kids, boredom from eating the same foods, or in my case just plain laziness and I would be derailed. I would eat one bad meal which would turn into one bad day which turned into one bad week. Before I knew it I would gain back the ten pounds I lost, plus some additional comfort weight

Month two I would begin to go down my sad rabbit hole and eat more garbage to “feel better” I would go back to my normal day to day life until I would decide try another diet. Another shiny thing shows up that I need to buy, need to eat, or need to wear that will get the weight off. That last thing I got must have been the problem. I’m going to give this 100% and I’m going to do it right. You are all sitting there right now shaking your head aren’t you? If you are then you know what happens next. I try the new thing and it fails. Again if it worked you would not be reading this blog because I would not have needed to write it. The cycle went on and on and the only thing that did happen was I managed to feel worse about myself than when I started. Like Kimberly “Sweet Brown” Wilkins said “Ain’t nobody got time for that”. If you haven’t watched the YouTube clip you need to. That woman spoke the truth that day. 

What finally changed? I did. I knew there had to be another way. I could not have success in other areas of my life and continue to suck so bad at losing weight. The lightbulb went off when I decided to go small. Every time I started to try and lose weight the first thing I did was decide how much weight I needed to lose. The smallest amount of weight I ever thought I needed to loose was fifty pounds and at times as high as one hundred pounds. I thought that putting everything in front of me would help me stay focused. All it did was depress me. The number was so large I felt like I could never see the finish line. I changed one thing. I asked myself if I could lose one pound? Just one pound. I had decided I needed to lose fifty two pounds and that equalled one year. In no way was that part planned but the lightbulbs were clicking at this point. What did I have to lose? Well I had 52 pounds so I might as well try something. 

I Love Food

“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it”- Maya Angelou

I know this seems like a crazy way to start a diet journey but I’m being honest. I love the smell of fresh baked bread, cookies, and pie. I love the texture of fresh made pasta, Alfredo sauce, and herbs. I love butter, lots and lots of butter. If I could have any cook in my home for just one day and one meal it would be Paula Dean. Yes she’s “allegedly” said some stuff that would make you cringe, but no one can deny that the woman can perform miracles with butter. Remember the episode where she deep fried butter. Now if that’s not fat I don’t know what is. Now enough about Paula, let’s focus on the butter. 

There is never a meal in my home that doesn’t require a good pat of butter. At breakfast your eggs need butter or at least your toast. For lunch try making a grilled cheese without butter, yea that looks nasty. For dinner you can coat your chicken with butter before baking or throw some butter in your mash potatoes or rolls. “What is going on here? What kind of blog is this?” I assure you, you have the right blog. I just wanted to make sure I had my kind of people reading this. If you are skinny and don’t appreciate butter stop reading. If you are going to tell me about all the harm butter can cause, stop. Also don’t email me, text me, or send me any type of digital messages because I will never give up my love of butter. If you love to eat and love food keep reading. If you realize that you need to make some changes but don’t want to sell your soul to do so, keep reading. If you interested in make small changes to get big results, keep reading. 

Each time I’ve tried to lose weight I tried to do it with someone else’s plan. I always tried to find a skinny person and mimic what they ate. I read that somewhere in a magazine. They were eating salads and drinking water with lemon and supposedly they were full. Did I mention the salad had no meat and just veggies! Did you also notice how there was no roll mentioned with butter. This looked horrible to me. Was this the appetizer before the main course? Was this all I was supposed to eat? I was hungry just looking at this plan. Needless to say I tried them all. Here is a comprehensive list as I remember it of all the diets I have tried. Put a check next to any that you have tried yourself. Look at us bonding already. Disclaimer- some of these I have tried more than one time. Yep, I know you’re still with me. 

Weight Watchers

Atkins

Slim Fast

Mindful Eating

Jerusalem Diet

Juice Diet

Counting Calories

Counting Macros

Lose It App

LifeSum App

Noom App

Lark App

My Fitness Pal App

Intermittent Fasting

Lemon Water Detox

Diet Pills including Phen Phen, Alli and Hydroxycut to name a few

Body For Life

Body Typing

Blood Type Diet

Fit For Life

Sugar Busters

The 4 hour Body

Diet Patches

Garcinia Cambogia

Green Tea

Apple Cider Vinegar

GNC Total Lean

Random Protein Shakes

Last but not least- Weight Loss Surgery

I give you this list to assure you I am a person who’s tried everything. I want you to know that I understand the struggle and I’ve lived it. Are you ready to make some changes?

The Day The World Changed

March 2020 I was in my office talking to my team about preparations we would have to make if we were going to work from home. The country was about to undertake nothing we had ever seen before. A new virus called Covid-19 had been discovered and it was believed it might be headed to the United States. While no one was in a panic we were worried because we had no idea what was about to happen. A few members of my team had begun to take extra precautions so we knew we should at least develop a plan if the situation got worse. We didn’t want to take any chances on getting sick in case this turned out to be serious. We knew we needed to develop a work from home plan, just in case.

The team decided we would learn the finer points of Microsoft Teams. I remember one meeting where the project lead was telling us about a feature. He kept going on and on and I was basically lost after the first sentence. Please note that I always speak up when I am confused but he was going so fast I could not even get a word in to say I was lost. Out of nowhere I lost it. I yelled out that no one knew what he was talking about and we would not be using this program this intensely. I was adamant that I just needed to know the basics. I have to tell you we laugh about this incident now for many reasons but at the time there was just silence. This was so out of character for me to yell that the room just fell silent. I have to say the team member held it together and basically ignored my madness and kept the class going. He knew that we needed to learn this and he was going to teach us. Kudos to my team.

Three days after we had that meeting Covid had hit American soil and it was serious. Correction it had already hit American soil but we were finally realizing how close to our actual homes this really was. People were beginning to die and there was no cure in sight. The country didn’t know how to stop or even slow down the spread of Covid-19. The panic and fear began to take over every aspect of our lives, with no one knowing exactly what they needed to do. Luckily the company we worked for made one call for us. Everyone would be working remote. The message came across on email that basically said “you will be working remotely so take everything you need from the office. We don’t know how long you will be working so don’t leave anything you might need”. Shit had just got real.

Everyone thought we would home for thirty days, and then we would be back to normal. There was no way we could go on for any length of time like this. We were sure this would blow over like SARS or Bird Flu. Thirty days later the situation was no better, in fact it was worse. The death toll kept climbing and then the entire country shut down. This was serious. My company issued a statement that said we would not be going back to the office at the end of the thirty days, in fact we would not be going back for at least six months. What the hell was going on? I know people were dying, but when I got the six month news it was like red ink on a clean white piece of paper. Whenever there was red ink on paper from a teacher that was never the “A++” pen. That was the “F” pen, the pen that wrote the notes telling you how to fix your mistakes. This is what this felt like to me. This felt like a huge mistake. This was an “F” on an already crappy month. Now our 30 days has turned into 6 months and we were being instructed to come get our things from the office at our scheduled time. We were told to clean out our offices and leave nothing behind. I was stunned, shocked, and so very very confused. To some this may seem trivial but everything I knew to be normal was being turned upside down. 

After I got set up at home I realized something. I was not going back to work for six months. Wow, six months. That felt like a lifetime to me. The pressure of being at home had caused us like the rest of the world to start ordering food. We were doing our part and keeping the restaurants going. That’s what I was telling myself. I was eating everything I could get my hands on because lets face it. I was stressed. I was beyond stressed. My back had begun to hurt. To clarify I have degenerative disk disorder so this was not a new pain. I had just been able to manage it by not letting my weight get crazy and moving my body. Since this lockdown I wasn’t doing anything but eating. Then something happened. My knee begun to hurt. So now I was some broken down lady on top of being trapped in my house. This was not looking good. Something had to give. 

I would like to tell you that I had some aha moment and I was like yes I want to lose weight. No, it was not that pretty. One morning my back hurt so bad I couldn’t get out of the bed. I literally rolled out of my bed in the most pain I had had in a long time then attempted to stand up. When I stood up my knee went out. When I say went out let me explain. I stood up in my mind, but my body did not come along for the ride. As I stood and the knee immediately went out, I fell. I did not fall pretty and I did not fall soft. I fell hard and fast and then I cried. How the hell did I let it get this bad. Not only was my back hurting but now I wouldn’t be able to walk. I think the worse part was that I had done this to myself. I couldn’t stop eating food so now I was too big to get out of bed. Crazy thing is I wasn’t even that big. Yes I was fat, but I wasn’t that fat in my mind. When I finally got up enough nerve to try and get out the bed again I gingerly walked myself into the bathroom. I knew there was something I needed to do. I needed to see how much I weighed. I stood on the scale and watched the number register and it wasn’t even that crazy to me. I was 5’9 and weighed 280 pounds. I didn’t think 280 pounds was so large that I couldn’t stand. Apparently I was wrong. I then looked in the mirror and decided I needed to do something with myself, and tomorrow was not going to work.

I remember going through the workday almost in a haze because I kept thinking “I fell down”. In one of my Teams chats someone had made the comment that we would not see each other for six months. That’s when that lightbulb went off. I guess I did have an aha moment. Someone had said six months. I was going to be home for six months. I decided that I could at least make some changes so when the six months was over I could go back to work and walk without my knee giving out. My motivation became to simply not fall down. To not be so big that my knee could no longer hold me up. I often talk about finding your motivation and I think people expect these wonderful moments that keep you going. Sometimes that is true, but sometimes the motivation is that you don’t want to be in your 40’s not able to walk. I needed to fix this.

In the coming entries you will find out how I fixed this by fixing one small thing at a time. How I’m losing the weight and keeping it off. You will see how I figured out what really mattered and challenged myself daily to simply be better than the day before.