“He promised me he will (deliver, deliver, deliver)” – Bebe Winans
When I can’t control my situations I stress. When I stress I get depressed. When I get depressed I eat. When I eat I get depressed.
You can change the order of those words any way you see fit but the results are the same. I’m depressed, stressed, and eating.
I’ve also noticed when I’m very stressed I just don’t eat. I eat everything in sight, and some out of sight things. I crave everything. Sweet, salty, and savory. The list goes from chocolate, to chips, to cheddar bay biscuits. There is no rhyme or reason.
I also develop big plans, telling myself what I’m gonna do tomorrow. Tomorrow I’m going to run. Tomorrow I’m going to eat right. Tomorrow I’m not going to bake a cake or make ice cream (I got a Ninja Creami and although I love it it’s the devil. More to come later). I realize I am out of control because I can’t control stuff.
This is 100% the perfectionist in me. I would love to meet a perfectionist without control issues. I need some tips.
This week has been rough but I’ve figured out a lot. I’ve figured out that as a child when I couldn’t control my environment I ate. When I couldn’t spend time with people I wanted to I could eat. When I found out my then boyfriend was cheating on me I ate. I think part of me ate so I could then blame the fat. It’s easier to assume people don’t like you because you’re fat instead of them just not liking you. Yea it’s the fat.
While I’ve grown out of the “do you like me” phase I have not grown out of the control phase. As my husbands health continues to change I eat. I can’t control his heath so I eat. When my kid is having issues at school I eat. I can’t control him experiencing his first issues with racism so I eat. When I’m killing myself at work trying to get a raise I eat. I can’t control the person who swipes the pen and grants my raise so I eat. As I wait to hear about us closing on our home I eat. I can’t control the underwriter so I eat.
Realizing this through a lot of journaling I’ve decided I need a new trigger. When I’m at my wits end I need to not eat. I need to find something I can do anywhere at anytime. I want to say I’m going to run but I can’t commit to that. I can commit to journaling or crocheting or reading. I also can do a lot of praying and a lot of meditation.
This past week showed me something about myself. I never stop trying to be better. I never stop trying to learn new things and I never stop trying to progress. Depression focuses on the past while worrying about the future. Someone said something to me a long time ago that I’m going to repeat all week.
You can’t worry about it and pray about it.
I can’t ask God to help me with something then tell him how to do it. This week I’m handing all my worries over to God. Once handed to Him I will move on. He hasn’t let me down thus far and I know he’s not going to start.
Meditation and prayer is the recipe for the week. It’s been too long since I’ve spent time with my Father. I’m going to Be Still.