“Depression is living in a body that wants to fight with a mind that wants to die” – Unknown
I wanted to come to you with this fantastic challenge for the new month. I wanted to give you great stories of how I’m excited about this challenge and I’m five pounds lighter.
I can’t tell you any of these things.
This week depression won. I didn’t even feel it coming. Normally I get agitated and moody. I’m either yelling at people for nothing or very distant. I typically want to be by myself; or I don’t want to leave my bed. I also hate doing anything that makes me mentally exert energy so working is very hard.
Again none of this.
What I will tell you is I didn’t want to workout. I didn’t want to eat healthy foods. I didn’t want to log any meals, and I didn’t want to try. I didn’t want to try to do anything except make it from day to day.
I also beat myself up. Mad about the weight I haven’t lost and telling myself I should do better. Feeling like every piece of clothing I put on makes me look frumpy. My hair in a semi raggedy ponytail and my nails unkept. Physically I made myself look at bad as I felt.
What’s stressing me more is I can’t tell you have I got here or why I’m here. I can just tell you I know I’m here. When I got mad at the sun, I knew something was definitely wrong.
Spring is coming and the days are getting longer. With the weather a little nicer I no longer wanted to be in my home, but instead wanted to be outside. Instead of being rational and knowing I could go outside after work I got mad. I got mad that the sun was out and I couldn’t enjoy it. I actually said this out loud “I liked it when the sun didn’t come out because I didn’t feel like I’m missing out”.
I was mad at the sun because I had to work while it was out. Yea that’s when I realized I was headed towards depression, but honestly I knew I was already there.
I’m in the mist of this right now so there is no advice I’m even going to try to give. What I can say is again I didn’t want to blog but I’m not breaking my streak. I said I would talk about the good and bad and unfortunately I’m in the mist of the bad.
I will get through this because I always do, but know that I recognize it’s hard. Depression comes and goes when it wants. It sends me into a tale-spin and refuses to let me go. It likes to have me only focus on things I don’t like about myself and everything that is wrong. I will not do that.
I will get through this. I just have to give myself a little grace.