Month 11 Week 2

“You have to live in your shit” – Unknown

I have been a wreck for two week. Hell probably longer than that. I was actually thinking about ending the blog and stopping the weight loss journey. Now before you freak out every fat person goes through this, but I’m going to be brave enough to tell you about it.

It started when I was filling out my weekly journal. It asked me to list all the things I accomplished against all the things I didn’t. Well my list was amazing. I had family movie night, cooked dinner with my kids, spent time with God everyday, spent time meditating three times that week, passed a math test, wrote a paper, killed some work goals, and the list went on and on. I was thinking “look at you rockstar”. Then I had to list things I had not accomplished. Oh Lort. I didn’t drink water daily and I didn’t lose my one pound. What?

I then began to look at that list and told myself maybe I didn’t want to lose weight. Shouldn’t I be thankful for all that I have? I have my husband and my kids. I have a good job and we are able to take care of ourselves. We are not struggling and thank God no one in my family has contracted Covid or had to live with the devastation of the pandemic. I am able to work from home and I have the ability to provide for my family during this time. Let me add that for my economics class I had to watch a movie about women struggling to survive in Haiti. Yes I was comparing myself to a third world country. Now before you drag me please understand that these women seemed to have everything against them and through all odds they were determined to push forward. They were making pennies a day yet paying $12 a month to send their kids to school. The story had me in tears. With that, who was I to gripe about weight when there were people suffering?

There are times in my life when I realize how good I have it. There is also a twinge of shame when I have that feeling. Being an African American female I realize the deck is stacked against me in so many situation yet I’ve made it though it all. Not alone by any means, but I’ve made it though it all. Now lets go back to the weight. I have all this stuff and I dare to complain.

Then a weird thing happened. I ended up watching the Adele “One Night Only” special today and this women had me on the edge of my seat. I was supposed to watch it with friends when it came on, but I didn’t. I ended up watching it alone today. I am a firm believer that God does what he does for a reason. I was meant to watch this special today to get my mind right. Adele talked about lifting weight because she had all this time on her hands and she needed to kill her anxiety. WHAT!!! Even Oprah was shocked because Oprah said she ate. Amen Oprah. I’m eating right along with you.

I could write a whole post about that special and maybe I will, but let me say this. What I learned was there are other ways I need to handle my stress and anxiety. I also learned that you have to live in your shit and fix it. My shit right now is my weight. I can’t say I want to be healthy and not put in some work. I can’t say I want to be around for years to play with my grandkids yet not put in the work. I can’t complain about being fat while doing nothing to be skinny.

I’m going to take some time this week to live in my shit. I need to decide what I really want to do and if I really want to change. Don’t talk about it, be about it.

As I stated I did not lose my one pound. I snacked twice and honestly that was impressive considering I was snacking daily. Today I don’t want to stress about the two days I did snack. I’m going to have joy in the five that I didn’t. I need to work on my mindset because I’m getting on my own nerves. The depression is creeping in slowly. Right now my job is to fight like hell to get my mind right.

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