“All of me loves all of you” – John Legend
This week I have been struggling with what to blog about and I have also been battling being honest with myself. My uncle passed away this week and it hit me hard. It actually hit me much harder than I thought it would as I started to realize the impact the man had on my life. He drove my mother to the hospital when she went into labor. He purchased my first bike. He got me a set of school books so I wouldn’t have to carry my books back and forth to school. He let me read to him and listened to all my madness. He was honestly the first father figure I ever had. Correction. He was my father, the only one I had ever really known.
His passing brought up all those memories, all those memories that led me to the realization that I am 100% the person I am today because of this man. He along with my grandmother fostered my love of learning. He listened to me practice the violin and believe me in the beginning I was not good. He even listened to me practice the recorder. Ya’ll know how horrible that is.
So why am I writing here instead of telling my family about this. Simply put, it was stolen from me. The opportunity to tell others how much I love this man was stolen from me when my family decided not to have a service. Yes we are still in Covid times, but this could have been done safely and most of us are vaccinated. The pain and anger rushed in when I learned this news and immediately it took me back to my nephews passing. Yet another service my family and I were robbed from attending.
I could spend this whole blog talking about that, but I won’t. What I want to say is that no one has a right to dictate how you grieve. No one has the right to take away how you want to honor a person. I will not let them steal that right from me.
I loved these two people with all my heart and soul and God knows that. I want my uncles family and friends to know that he was loved. I loved him. I want him up in heaven to know that I love him. My nephew never saw his first birthday, but he should know I loved him. My husband and my kids loved him. He will always be honored in our home.
Please listen to this message if you don’t listen to anything else I say. Honor the people you love. Honor the people who mean the most to you. I’m not going to tell you to rush out and tell people you love them, because you know you should do that. This is for people who are gone that you need to make amends with. The one’s you never got to say goodbye to. Do it on your own terms. Create your own memorial, or like me write your own letter.
As you all have guessed I have wanted to eat everything under the sun. Emotional eaters raise your hands. Regardless of what I eat the pain is not going away but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to eat. What I really need is hugs. I need lots of hugs. There are very few times when I just want a person to sit and hug me. No words needed, no explanation. I just want a hug to feel safe. Safe enough to simply cry. One day I will get there, one day I will be ok. Today is not that day.