Month 9 Week 4

“Find time to love yourself, just the way you are” – M. Ross

I have started watching Fantasy Island. I know it’s crazy. I never watched the original but somehow I’ve gotten hooked on the remake. The episode this past week was about a heavyset woman who’s goal was to be thin. There was much more involved with the story but I don’t want to ruin it for anyone who watches the show. Fast forward, she is able to get her fantasy of being thin but with consequences.

What I want to talk about this week is the back story. The woman was successful, wasn’t married, but otherwise had her shit together. She appeared by the words of her friends to really have her life in order. With all of that going for her she wanted to be thin (I promise you I’m leaving parts out). She was not as shallow as I’m making her sound.

Ironically, this made me think about myself. I’m married to a man that loves me, I have two amazing boys who are doing well in school, play sports, and have so many friends I can’t keep up. There is no talk of drugs, crazy girls, cyber bullying, and they appear to love their lives. I have a job I love and work with a team of people who love their job. I am able to travel and enjoy spur of the moment football games and family outings without worrying about what we can afford. My major stresses in life involve being able to get the world enough food. Remember I buy meat. We have money in the bank and my son is on a path to becoming the richest man in the world (his ambition is contagious). Looking at my life from the outside in looks fantastic. Guess what? Looking at my life from the inside it looks fantastic. This is my real life.

There is no show going on. My life is really this fantastic. And then there is that elephant in the room. I am unhappy with my weight. I’m not unhappy enough to get crazy about it, but I’m unhappy enough where I keep talking about it and keep trying to lose weight and change my outward appearance. I’m unhappy enough to build a gym and start a blog. I’m unhappy enough to feel like I’ve failed at this one thing. Why?

I have great skin, great hair, tiny wrists and ankles, great nails, and overall I’m healthy. I get my blood work done every six months and make sure I see my doctor often. Now I do have some issues that I’ve talked to you all about. Back pain, knee pain, and just some overall body aches from carrying this weight. This is why I want to lose the weight, but in the process I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to stop loving the person I am and the life I lead.

I believe as people try to lose weight they fear they may lose a little bit of themselves. I know I struggle with this. I struggle with balancing the great life I have and not feeling ungrateful that I want some things to change. I struggle knowing people would kill for what I have yet I’m looking to change myself. That fine line between gratitude and being selfish is one that for me gets thinner and thinner daily.

Who would have thought watching an episode of Fantasy Island would have me questioning so many things about my life. Kudos to the writers.

This is what I want to end the month with. I need to learn to love myself. I need to love the fat or the thin. I need to want to lose weight so I can spend more days with these kids and not to look some type of way. I speak a lot about healthy but I think a heathy mindset is what I need more than anything.

This month I lost four pounds. I lost those four pounds simply by trying to be better than yesterday. It was easy making a “To Don’t ” list since I’m always stressing about what I need to do. As I begin to enter the next phase on this journey I want everyone reading to know that today I realize I have to do this for myself. I have to find my thin line.

My thin line will not be your thin line. You have to find the strength within yourself to do what’s best for you. Ask yourself as you end the month what were you constantly telling yourself to not do? Did you build some better habits? I can’t eat after 7pm. I know it seems silly but for me I was struggling with that daily. My hunger is never ending and most likely all in my mind. Everything is always swirling in my mind.

I so hope this week was a winner for you. I hope this month was eye opening. I hope as always to see you next week. Remember, we’ve got this. One pound at a time.

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