Month 8 Week 4

“I love myself enough to push through the hard things” – Unknown

There are days when you think everything will be easier. The sun will come out, the clouds will part, and everything will get better. I want to tell you that this is one of those times, but it’s not. Like I told you all last week, we don’t get to decide when the depression goes away. We don’t get to snap our fingers and wake up happy. What we can do though is keep pushing through the hard things, and guess what? This is one of the hard things.

This week was a tough week for me at work. We had a coworker lose a parent. The team had to rally together to get everything done, and I was traveling on top of the madness. I am happy to say that not only were we there for the coworker, but we also got everything accomplished we set out to do. That did take a toll on me though. I didn’t get to workout like I wanted to, and I was extremely fatigued all week. I’m still not feeling 100% myself and each day I don’t accomplish something I feel a little worse. Yes I know, it’s the cycle.

What I have discovered is I have to decide what my pausing point will be. Let me explain. Many people talk about their breaking point. If this last thing happens, that is it! I remember when I was gaining weight I would say “If I get to 300 pounds, that is it!” I got to 290 on the scale which was not my heaviest. After I got to 290 I stopped getting on the scale, so I never knew what my heaviest was. I didn’t want to know what would happen at 300 because I had no plan after that. My “this is it” moment sucked because there would have been no repercussion had I gotten larger. I’m sure I would have just changed the number. My new line would have been “if I get to 350, that is it!”

Knowing myself I knew I needed a pausing point instead of a breaking point. Truth be told I’m not trying to get to a breaking point. My pausing point is when I feel myself getting out of control and know that I need to pause. I need to think about how I got in this place and take an honest assessment of what is going on.

Is everything out of control, or is one thing out of control?

Is the whole world against me, or is there one person getting on my nerves?

Can I not do anything, or am I having a hard time doing this one thing?

Do I want to lay down and just give up, or do I just want to stop trying to do a certain thing?

Do I need to pause or do I need to stop?

When I pause I can ask myself these questions. Brene Brown talks about this tactic in her books. It’s called “the story I am telling myself.” I feel like I’m always telling myself the worst story possible. My story has no happy endings and no one is a winner in this madness. I only discuss worst case scenario’s and believe me I always have a plan to solve them. Problem is in my worst case scenario world I never appreciate when things are going well.

My madness has caused me to begin keeping a gratitude journal. Funny thing is I have to remind myself to write something to be grateful for daily. Now if I kept a doomsday plan journal you best believe I would fill that thing out daily. I could come up with a great doomsday theory daily, but gratitude is a huge struggle.

So what am I working on for this final week? Still moving a mile. I got you. You thought I switched :). No I have to stay focused. I really think I have some form of OCD that I need to look into. If anything in my life changes everything is thrown out of whack. I can deal with change at work, but change in my life turns me into a hot mess. If someone has some advice on this, please fill me in.

As I wrap this month up I don’t know if I can call this a win. I can’t even call this a tie, let’s call is a forfeit lol. I don’t want to say I lost because I gained some good insight but I didn’t lose any weight. Depression keeps up on my hard and made for a rough time. Is the haze lifted, not sure. I do feel better than I have in a long time. I do feel like I’m on the path of better.

Who would have thought These 30 days would have been so rough. I have to regrouping to do. I’m praying you all are doing better than I am.

Honest moment- I did not want to blog. It is so hard to keep coming here and not sharing anything new or anything showing I’m moving in the direction I want to move in. As a perfectionist this is probably the toughest thing I’ve had to do, but I vowed I would blog for a year. I’m keeping that promise.

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