“Sometimes we need the fog to remind ourselves that all of life is not black and white” – Jonathan Lockwood Huie
For the past two weeks we have been getting our bathroom remodeled. We did a full gut and I was not ready. Initially we were thinking about just taking out the tub and doing a walk in shower, but decided we might as well get everything the way we wanted it.
Once we decided that we were really going to get this done and got the money out of the bank I went to work on the details. I drug my husband to every home improvement store in our area and some about an hour away. I also went shopping on every website you could think of. The packages were coming to the house daily. It got so bad we converted a room in our home just to hold bathroom stuff. The biggest purchase by far was the vanity, but it was the double vanity we had dreamt of.
When we initially thought about doing the shower I wanted an insert instead of tile. Truth is I was being lazy and I just didn’t want to clean tile. Tile is a lot of work. Problem was when we selected our contractor he specialized in tile, so of course we had tile.
Let me pause right here and say the tile work is nothing short of amazing. I can clearly see why this man specializes in tile, it’s like he was born to do this. We went with an intricate pattern and to make stuff harder I asked for a full length shelf and a foot insert. He did a fantastic job. So why is there a post about this?
After he finished we noticed there was this haze on the tile. I tried cleaning it with soapy water, Clorelean, and several other bathroom cleaners. No matter how much I scrubbed this stuff it was not coming up. The haze would not go away. Finally we called him and he suggested a vinegar/water mixture to remove the haze. I went online and got the correct mixture, sprayed and scrubbed. Within an hour the haze was back. We then researched and found a product online that stated it’s purpose was to remove grout haze. I thought that was so funny because clearly this was a very popular problem. We purchased this, sprayed but the haze was still there. This haze still remains on my tile at the time of this post.
As I was sitting here googling again how to remove this haze it dawned on me that I’m like this tile. There is a haze on me and no matter how much I scrub and try I can’t get it off. I try all the stuff that is recommended, but nothing. The haze still remains. I keep searching for that “one thing” to get me back in my groove and make me feel “normal” but for two weeks I have not found it. Online searches, new activities, taking meds, and even going to therapy has not removed the haze, but its not all bad.
Each thing I do removes a little more haze. Each time I try lets me know that I haven’t given up on trying to get better. Each little thing is a step in the right direction. Eventually I’m going to find the thing to remove the haze from my tile. I’m also going to find the thing to remove the haze from myself. I may not get all the haze, but I’m getting closer each day.
Sometimes I get amazed at how hard things can be. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it all better, but no. Sometimes you have to just live though the haze until it gets a littler better. Last week the haze got me and I didn’t move as much as I wanted to. As of today the 9th I’ve walked five times. Not where I want to be, but that means I’ve fought through the haze five times. That’s five times that I picked myself before my madness.
The goal for the coming week is to be better than last week. Hell I just need to be better than yesterday. My weight did not go up or down so for me, a win. I need to walk more days than I sit. I need to be grateful more days than I’m ungrateful. I need to be positive and keep encouraging myself to move forward.
I know one day this haze will clear. One day I will be better and everything will seem to come into focus. One day I will be happy. Seems like such a simple thing, but for me it’s really all that matters. Simply getting back to happy. Simply realizing haze is only temporary and eventually I will find that one thing to remove it.