“I’ll be ok just not today and probably not tomorrow” – unknown
As I enter month eight I realize this month is not like any other. This month is different because this is the month I enter my challenge knowing I am depressed. I was starting to get depressed in week seven, but I missed the signs. I missed what I would normally pick up on and I didn’t make the necessary corrections.
Normally I catch myself getting tired all the time. Not a “oh I don’t want to go to work tired”, but a “I don’t want to get out of bed tired”. It’s not an “I don’t feel like working out issue”, it’s an “I will keep ordering stuff to workout, but I never do”. See depression plays tricks on me. My mind wants to do a million things yet depression makes me believe my body is not cooperating. That’s a lie. I think I want to do a million things but depression takes over my mind and I do nothing. I’m sad to report though, that is not all.
Depression then makes me feel bad for all the shit I did not do. I sit with list and get mad at myself for not have the energy, or drive to get things done. I then get into this spiral and believe I’m not worthy of even trying. The list goes on and on regarding how depression hits me, and instead of pushing though it I knew I needed to talk about it.
A family member was telling me about someone today who was having issues. As he described everything to me I immediately said “oh they’re depressed.” So funny how I could quickly catch it in someone else, yet not catch it in myself. I was also quick to point out that they needed to get help and they most likely didn’t even know they were depressed. Look at me diagnosing depression while wallowing in my mess.
My mess that over time kept getting bigger and bigger. I was trying to tackle too much yet doing nothing good at all. This weekend that all came at me like a freight train. We had people working in our bathroom which required me to make decisions on what I wanted done. My kids were coming back from vacation and my oldest was moving out the next day to his own apartment. I had two projects due for school and I was in no way prepared. My youngest was starting football. My husband and I had just returned from vacation and we were trying to get our lives back on track. My house was a filthy mess and last but not least my garden was overgrown and showing signs of pest damage.
Yea I know. These all should have been clues but they were not. I believe my mess came tumbling full force when I realized a big job project was closer than I expected and would require much more work than I had planned. That was it for me. I had a breakdown. I talked to my husband (who listened by the way), but I realize that wasn’t going to cut it. I needed to talk to someone who could help me. I was going down a dark path and I needed to be stopped.
I went back to therapy.
Making the decision to go was not hard. Finding a therapist and getting in to see someone was the struggle. Thank God for the internet. I actually found a therapist who took my insurance and she got me in as soon as she could. My first visit was last week.
I’m not going to tell you the details of my visit, but as she recapped my childhood she looks at me and goes “are you ok?” I was shocked because I was more than ok with that stuff. I smiled and told her I had not even gotten to the good stuff yet, the reason why I came to see her. She explained that your childhood dictates your life regardless if you want to admit it or not, all of which I understood. This was not my first therapy rodeo, but I did want to get to the “help me” parts :).
Apparently I was really messed up because I got a star next to my name which means she’s going to call me as soon as someone cancels. My real appointment was scheduled for another month. She was apparently really busy, which was good. Looking back I was even a pro at being messed up. Look at me going to the front of the therapy line. I don’t think that was a good thing.
I do want you all to know I’m ok. Well I’m not ok, but I will be ok. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but I will get there. I wanted to skip the blog. I wanted to walk away and come back when I had good stuff to say, but that’s not how life works. Life is messy and mine is a hot messy mess right now. The only thing I can do if push forward and keep it moving.
I did not lose my four pounds last month and remember I said I actually gained some weight. Today I weight in at 271 so that is two pounds lighter than last week. Ironically I’m ok with that, maybe because my mental health is taking priority right now.
With that being said my therapist told me I needed to focus on self care for 30 days. What I’m deciding to do for self care is move one mile for the next 30 days. I will walk, run, or skip but I will get my mile in. I don’t think that’s hard, but everything is hard right now. I have my new fancy shoes and I have enough workouts clothes to dress fifty women. I just need to put the clothes on and move. I feel like I need to add that if I ride my bike I must do five miles. I’m not taking that off the table. I’ve paid too much money for that damn thing.
I need you all with me more than ever right now. To keep me accountable. That was the whole reason I started this blog and paid for the subscription. It’s not to be some famous blogger (I’ve got too much going on). It’s not to get rich and famous (again too much going on). It’s to have someone hold me accountable and call me out when I’m not at my best. I started this blog to help one person and also let people know the different faces of depression. This face is a 44 year old African American mother of two fantastic boys, a wonderful husband, and a job I love. I don’t drink and I don’t smoke so there are no substance abuse issues other than food. You nor anyone else would ever look at me and think I suffer from depression but guess what, I do. I am the face of depression and I’m showing you my face so you realize you can never look at someone and tell they are depressed. We are always smiling.