What We Wont Do

“You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens” – Anonymous

Whenever I decided I wanted to lose weight I would do this one thing. I would say I’m going to start on Sunday. Sunday was always my go to diet day. This meant I could eat garbage all week because I would be depriving myself starting Sunday. This meant I could go to the grocery store and make a plan because I always need to plan. This gave me time to buy proper workout clothes and shoes. This gave me time to get a new journal and write all the inspirational quotes that would take me through the next thirty days in which my plan was to lose thirty pounds. I would start by stepping on the scale and watching the number register. For me the highest that number I got was 299 pounds on my 5’9 frame. Ok that was the highest number I ever saw on the scale. I remember telling myself at one point that if I ever got over 300 pounds I had gone too far. Funny when I got close to 300 pounds I simply stopped getting on the scale. When I went to get weighed for weight loss surgery they actually allowed me to not know what my weight was. I know. Looking back that entire concept seemed so ridiculous. It was like “let’s hide how big you are because you can’t handle it”. It’s making a little more sense why surgery did not work for me. I never went in with a realistic view of what I needed to do to succeed. Hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes after I weighed myself I would get ambitions and measure all my areas. Arms, stomach, hips, neck, wrist, thighs, and ankles. I have very tiny ankles. I would jot all my little numbers down and go through the “how the hell did you get this big” motions, but I would feel good. I would feel good because I had a plan. 

Sunday would come and I was on point. I did everything I said I would do. Followed my plan to the letter and would see all my hard work pay off with a five pound loss at the end of the week. It never dawned on me that the five pounds I lost was simply the five pounds I had gained the week before by eating garbage. Rolling off the high of the loss I would pull this plan off again and BAM, another three pounds gone. Week three I would still be feeling good and usually drop another two pounds. You see me. This would equate to a ten pound loss in three week. I would be in heaven at this point, and this is when heaven usually turned into hell. It could be my time of the month, stress from work, something with the kids, boredom from eating the same foods, or in my case just plain laziness and I would be derailed. I would eat one bad meal which would turn into one bad day which turned into one bad week. Before I knew it I would gain back the ten pounds I lost, plus some additional comfort weight

Month two I would begin to go down my sad rabbit hole and eat more garbage to “feel better” I would go back to my normal day to day life until I would decide try another diet. Another shiny thing shows up that I need to buy, need to eat, or need to wear that will get the weight off. That last thing I got must have been the problem. I’m going to give this 100% and I’m going to do it right. You are all sitting there right now shaking your head aren’t you? If you are then you know what happens next. I try the new thing and it fails. Again if it worked you would not be reading this blog because I would not have needed to write it. The cycle went on and on and the only thing that did happen was I managed to feel worse about myself than when I started. Like Kimberly “Sweet Brown” Wilkins said “Ain’t nobody got time for that”. If you haven’t watched the YouTube clip you need to. That woman spoke the truth that day. 

What finally changed? I did. I knew there had to be another way. I could not have success in other areas of my life and continue to suck so bad at losing weight. The lightbulb went off when I decided to go small. Every time I started to try and lose weight the first thing I did was decide how much weight I needed to lose. The smallest amount of weight I ever thought I needed to loose was fifty pounds and at times as high as one hundred pounds. I thought that putting everything in front of me would help me stay focused. All it did was depress me. The number was so large I felt like I could never see the finish line. I changed one thing. I asked myself if I could lose one pound? Just one pound. I had decided I needed to lose fifty two pounds and that equalled one year. In no way was that part planned but the lightbulbs were clicking at this point. What did I have to lose? Well I had 52 pounds so I might as well try something. 

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